Since my initial conversation with PX, an old ex-boyfriend, last week about a project on which his powerful prominent boss PPB wants to hire me, things have been moving fast.

I immediately brought BP in who brought in our famous partner FP. This project is potentially career-making, and I am slowly becoming terrified. BP reminded me that FP had a similar project he ran for more 10 years, from which he generated millions each year, and that enabled him to do everything he has done since.


On Sunday night, PPB invited me to the condo she keeps i town. I did not change from the linen skirt, t-shirt, and high-heeled sandals I had worn while lunching and shopping with W. I did stop at whole foods to pick up a little dessert something. I had not seen PPB in years, and it seemed the right thing to do. I found a box of beautiful sugar cookies, flower-shaped and frosted, so I told her I could not decide between flowers and dessert, so I brought both.

PPB and I are family from way back, so we had a couple of very confidential conversations about PX and about her health, and caught up on happy things, too. I was there for a couple of hours and we made significant progress. I knew from the beginning that the project was mine, so I gave her some of my thinking. She was thrilled — and appreciated that I would be keeping much of it within the family.

The stakes are very high, this is very public, and the perils are myriad. I have no idea if I can actually pull any of this off. To do so, I need to hire and manage dozens if not hundreds of people. The logistics are overwhelming. My original goal was to pick up half of the deal, the stuff I normally do. It’s lots of glory, with relatively little work. BP informed me that if the other half failed or was riddled with errors, my half would be a disaster, too. Therefore, we need the whole thing. That’s my primary hesitation.

Another hesitation . . . and I admit this only to my mother and to you . . . if I stay with BFD, I may be pregnant at some point during the project. It will require my work and attention for about a year, and that might conflict with life goals. Or not.

I have been invited to a dinner tonight with PPB, her staff, and a business contact of hers who is picking up the check. She wants me to present my thoughts on the project, including in writing. I am still mostly unprepared, although my thoughts are well-formulated.

I am a bit overwhelmed by everything. I am trying to balance the myriad details and come to grips with just how daunting a task it is. My team is ready and in place, but it’s still freaking me out.

I know I will do it, and I know we will do amazingly well. I am completely confident, and any hesitation I have is my bullshit commitment-phobia.

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