So, the thing about knowing you are crazy . . . you can stop things before they get out of hand.
That is the whole point of containment.
I am extremely self-centered. I know this. If you read this site, you know this. If you are in my life, you know this unless you are a completely self-centered narcissist like my ex A, my business partner BP, and my boyfriend BFD. Actually, they all know I am extremely self-centered, too, they just tend to be even more in their own heads/up their own asses to worry too much about the fact I live so deeply in my own head that I have actually practiced and resolved to be more inquisitive about other people.
Today, I have felt like crap because I have been so twisted about my feelings that something with BFD is not quite right.
(Again, if you read this you not only know this, you feel the same and have commented as such.)
This site is a chronicle of my life, how I feel, what I think, what I see. BFD is a character in my story, but I don’t spend a lot of time unpacking his motives. I think more about what he does and what it means rather than why. Yes, I acknowledge this probably makes me a bad person.
Around lunch, I emailed BFD the same message I sent to A and BP and my brother B, making the same lame 28 days later joke about cable news’ swine flu coverage. I did not hear anything back from him, which is not unusual. Around 4, I called him with a business question, but he did not pick up, so I emailed him the business question, which I closed by expressing my hope he was having a great day.
His quick response surprised me.
He did not answer my email. Instead he forwarded a business email he sent to his team around lunch along with a note to me: “here is my day…I will lose xxxK to [end his involvement] … ugh.”
Ugh. BFD, a master of understatement.
I knew the projects were imperiled from very early in our relationship, but he tried to salvage them and his investment. The time and effort for him are much more significant than the money, but the money is not insignificant, even for my darling Big Effing Deal.
(I am pausing to think of all the things he could have done with that money — a hefty down payment on a house in which we would want to live, a ridiculous engagement ring, a very nice house, a townhouse in his swank neighborhood, a fancy condo downtown. Yeah, it hurts a bit, though he dropped more in the last year just being himself. And yes, I know all of this crap about him.)
So, let’s just say this day has been no fun for him. I offered to come out with pizza and salad from our favorite place, but he declined since he’d not worked out and therefore could not justify pizza. (I love this about him . . . the diet insanity. He has weighed as much as 30 pounds more than he weighs now after suffering a catastrophic sports injury [which, since he is basically my height, is a significant amount of weight] and he is obsessed with keeping in shape and staying as young as he can. Normal people roll their eyes when he mentions diet; I get all warm fuzzies.) I reminded him that the offer was anything I could do to help.
I called him at 9-ish to check in because I found myself watching 2 basketball games and a discovery channel show simultaneously, something I always refer to him as his typical BFD bullshit. No answer, so I emailed to tell him his is a terrible influence.
He called within 10 minutes, saying he had been on a call with U about his upcoming trip. We spoke calendar and it looks like I will not be seeing him for a few days. He is traveling on Tuesday and Wednesday for meetings.
Things are actually good between us. The nonsense in my head . . . has just been in my head. It also appears that my pms is kicking in early. All of my typical bad pms things are happening (itchiness, bloating, salt-craving, uti-like symptoms), plus I have been mean and bitchy, which is not my typical affect. (Seriously!) It’s not good, but at least it explains the weird emotional stuff. Now I can recalibrate the crazy to remind myself that while there are serious problems, my reactions have been bizarre.
I know we have problems and challenges. I refuse to accept W’s statement that BFD is “broken,” because in W’s world, broken cannot be fixed. BFD has serious issues with intimacy, but we have made enormous progress on trust and we are closer than ever.
For now, craziness contained.