My stress level keeps spiking, which is negatively impacting pretty much everything. I have a few important things to accomplish, but I am distracted by money concerns.

BP and I are battling and our relationship is tenuous at best. I keep thinking he is moving on without me. He says he’s not, but I suspect that he is lying.

We had an important talk last night. I have not seen him in weeks, though we speak daily. We ran through some things and he implored me to unburden myself to him regarding my obvious stress. When I did, he accused me of not being able to handle things and repeated that he did not want to be involved with me financially. He has defaulted on every deal we have struck this year to resolve my financial issues, mostly by baiting me into fighting with him and then using that as an excuse.

Or at least, that is my belief.

At this point, I am focused on everything I can do that does not involve him, while figuring out the best way to use my relationship with him to gain some kind of advantage. Frankly, it’s what he would want and what he has taught me to do by lecture and by example.

My first step is to allow him to shop a personal loan for me. There is no way I could get a credit line from a bank, but I can get a personal loan secured by the only real asset I have — my brain. I am offering my services at less than market to secure a loan with a repayment plan I believe I can meet. If I can get this done, I will have breathing room for 3-4 months, which should give me enough time to figure some things out.

Or not.

I have some large receivables coming in, but I have some personal loans to family that need repayment.

I am terribly conflicted about the whole thing.

I am tempted to discuss it with BFD. It’s a hard conversation to have, but I know he would help me put together the right package. Then again, he might want the chance to make additional interest, but I do not know if he thinks I am a good credit risk. Which, frankly, I am not . . . unless he assumes that, like with the car payment, I will make payments to him he does not accept.

BP and I have been speaking again all morning and reviewing business ideas and work updates. There is a lot of activity happening, but I know I am a source of frustration for him, with my financial instability being a distraction. He also cannot understand why I don’t ask my boyfriend BFD for financial help. (I have myriad reasons, as I have detailed here and to him and to anyone else who asks.)

Still, things feel better, more solid.

I am asking for his help in providing a life vest. I am not asking to even be up on the boat, but just for some relief as I tread water.

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