For me, the hardest part of falling in love is having faith.
Faith is everything, it’s that trust we have when the facts scream something else. Rootless trust, foundationless trust, intuitive trust.
Yesterday afternoon’s “Wait, What?” freakout was a test of my faith — in my relationship, in my boyfriend, in my intuition, in what I knew versus what I was told. I knew it didn’t make sense, but I could not figure out what he was thinking in signaling to the world that he is single when I know very well that I am his girlfriend. Essentially, my two confidants (mom and my cousin T) understood his truth more quickly than I.
I was curious and I could not believe that we were broken up, but slowly I began preparing for the worst. (I am a planner . . . it is what I do.)
My initial reaction was that it did not make sense. But as it sunk in, I did freak out. I thought that maybe I was missing something, some fact that showed that I was wrong, that I misunderstood, that things were not as I see and believe them to be. That my trust was misplaced.
I implored mom and T to tell me what I was missing, was I blind to something obvious? They both told me . . . he’s an idiot, he means he’s not married.
I traced through our interactions wondering what in the hell was happening, anxious to talk to him, and curious about what he was thinking. I did not have faith in my heart and my sweetheart. It’s a function of being my age, with my experience.
So now, seven months after our first date, after a long, painful conversation with BFD that had nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with our life . . . I see it.
I have faith. I do. I have been afraid to trust what I know because I have been so afraid of being wrong about him, about us, about how I feel. But, so deeply, I know. It’s why I put up with him and why he puts up with me. We know on a deep, intuitive level that has nothing to do with reality or facts or experience that this is real and solid and strong.
It’s scary, being in this place. Reality, facts, and experience scream “Beware! Caution! Danger!” I have been hurt before, I know how hard it is to bounce back from being in a bad relationship, from being betrayed, from enduring the death of a certain future that just disappears.
But the reality is that I have never been surprised by the end of a relationship. In my heart, I already knew it was over. Not from anything other than intuition. With BFD, I knew, without reason, that it was okay.
Even yesterday, I prepared for the worst, but I just knew that there was an explanation. I was preparing for the worst, preparing myself for the end, but I could not wrap my mind around it. I could not cope with the meaning of it because it did not make sense to me. Not that there would not be reasons for us to split — there are — but it did not fit what I know, what I feel, what I believe, and in what I have faith.
When I spoke to him last night, when I realized how shocked he was that anyone would think we would split up because of a little thing like declaring he was single on facebook, I knew in my heart that my faith in him, in us, was justified. It also removed some of my last few defenses.
I am less scared this morning. I am more trusting.
I have more faith.