I am in love, which is such a weird thing. I am in love, but I am still planning.
Tonight, I am supposed to see BFD for the first time this week. He’s been really busy with a project crisis, his primary assistant is still recovering from emergency surgery, and he is preparing to leave town for 8 days for training camp. I hate that we’ve not seen each other since Saturday, which seems absurd given how long we’ve gone in the past without seeing each other.
I miss him. I miss him enough that I have gone through some old emails and I saw some things I did not notice before. After last Thursday’s unbelievable encounter, he changed my contact name in his book to a new funny and racy nickname for me. He mentioned it in a business email that he was going to change my name to NickName, but I had not noticed that he actually made the change. Whenever he shoots me an email, that’s what he sees. It’s very clever, very sexy, and I love that he thinks of me that way.
I also noticed just how often we communicate. It seems that it’s not that much, but it’s every day, several times, via email, sms, and phone, whether or not we see each other. The messages alternate among goofy, newsy, sexy, and business-y topics. I was not aware of just how often we’re in touch.
Now that we have surpassed seven months together, I am beginning to get the inevitable marriage questions from my friends/family. It’s a function of our ages and stages in life.
I know I have a low hurdle to overcome with BFD. It’s not any one thing he has said, but I am aware that my financial independence (not success, even, just independence) is necessary for us to move forward. My ability to support myself is important to him. He wants to know I am with him for reasons other than his wealth, and, . . . this he has articulated, he wants to know were something to happen to our relationship or to him I can support myself. The unspoken words are “… and any children we may have.” I know these things are important to him. It’s also a quick due diligence for him, an easy way to verify everything he would need to know about me.
I want him to know I am here to be his partner, not a drain on him. He wants that to.
Again, these are not things he has articulated in full, but they are things I know. And, this is a low hurdle.
Basically, I have to do his deal and/or begin to stabilize financially at a modest level. We met at a time when my business collapsed and the past few months have been scary. I am making a very little bit of money, but I am often stressed out. Cash flow is my biggest problem. I am working hard, but there is a time lag, so I am sweating. A lot.
He has been so supportive and encouraging, coaching me, advising me, helping me work through logical issues. He is doing everything he can to help me be successful, build a new stable career, and provide as much support as I will let him, which is basically car stuff and never looking at a check for anything for our entire relationship.
While he is helping, encouraging, and managing me well, I am doing the same for him.
I am managing him better. I know what he wants and what he needs. I love to make him happy, to surprise him, to delight him. I am still trying to figure out the right approaches and the cycles of his energy flow. I know I miss it from time to time, so I let him know I am here for him.
He makes me happy so often. I know I bitch and moan about him, but when I look at the broad sweep of our relationship, it is amazing what has changed, how much he supports me and how much he cares.