Date 31 was short. The sex was great. Our new moves (and there are always new moves) were really hot. Everything else was frustrating. Now, I am contemplating what to do.
I am viewing this through the prism of pms and a unique set of circumstances, but the bottom line is I am unhappy about Saturday night, despite his attempt to fix things, and I am still cranky about it.
Thanks to his schedule, I will have more than a week to stew about it, so I anticipate breaking up with him and reconciling 5 times in my mind between now and his return in more than a week. I have also decided that I will not speak with him while he is gone, but I know I will change my mind every hour about that. (Reason to not call: he is in training camp, for which he is paying a lot of money. Reason to call: he is my boyfriend and not calling sets a bad precedent.)
About the Date
Although I have spoken to BFD regularly all week, we had not seen each other since last Saturday (when we had the last of three dates in a row). We canceled Thursday late and Friday was always off the table, so Saturday was the day.
I know BFD well enough after seven months to know that Saturday was going to suck. He is a terrible traveler. He never gives himself enough time to pack, he always leaves things until the last minute, and, in his mind, he is often already gone long before he ever leaves, especially if he is leaving for a sports-related activity.
When I arrived at BFD’s a little late (I got the car washed), he was upstairs working (at 8 pm on a Saturday night). I called to him and he shut down his machine and came right down. He greeted me in the living room and walked me backwards to the sofa while kissing me.
We had not seen each other in a week and had not had sex on the last two dates. This has become our normal pattern now that we’re seeing each other much more frequently. We are having sex once a week and doing dinner/movies/sports watching/talking the rest of the time, which is also what we typically do post-sex, too. The non-sex is often when we are just trying to spend time together talking over dinner or to see a movie but he’s not feeling 100% after a hard workout or a hard workday.
The sex was great. Really and truly great. We each employed some new moves, as we always do, and it was longer and more intense. It’s somewhat ridiculous that every time has something new, but it does. We are free with each other and willing to experiment. Obviously, we spend time when not together thinking about what we will do when we are next together. I do not know how much longer we can keep surprising and delighting each other, but I am enjoying it all very much, despite the fact I am sore. Still.
After sex, his phone rang as he walked past his office. He grabbed it, which he almost never does, but he is coordinating this camp . . .
I heard him on the phone before he made it downstairs, so I attempted to give him privacy by walking outside onto the terrace. He was not happy I walked out, which he indicated clearly, so I came back in. He walked through the kitchen got a soda for himself, a bottle of water for me. He walked around the kitchen, discussing housing and transportation blah blah blah. I sat back on the sofa and he joined me, grabbing the remote from the coffee table. I smacked his wrist and took the remote signaling to him that he does not get both.
When I coughed, I got up and moved to the kitchen. I don’t know why, but I was extremely uncomfortable being there. He remained on the call for what felt like an eternity, but was probably only 10 minutes. I was withdrawn from him. Toward the end of the call, his ex girlfriend called. He clicked over and said, somewhat frustratedly, “I can’t talk, I am on the other line preparing for tomorrow.” Then he clicked back over to speaking to his coach.
About 30 seconds later, a text message beeped through on his iphone. Every time she calls, she follows up with a text since he does not take her call when I am there.
This is the second time I have seen her call him at home on a Saturday night. I do not think he knows that I know who she is. But I do. I do not think he has seen her since we’ve been together (she left here to move back to their old city and he has not returned there). Had he not been on a call, I would have confronted him about it. I sat there pondering who he meant when he told his male coach he was staying with “us” though I knew he had already said a man’s name. (It is clear they have a place for the women and a place for the men.) I began wondering if she were going on this trip, too. If she were part of “us.” I know that’s ridiculous, but it still angered me.
As it was, he finished his call, finally. We spoke for a few minutes about the JerkFace thing about which he asked for my help in identifying people who might be also interested, and he asked about my upcoming week. He said, okay [petname], I need to finish a couple of emails tonight, so . . .”
I slid my shoes back on, stood, and started to leave. I was still so unhappy with how this was all going down. I was frustrated, hurt, and angry — all while feeling I was overreacting. I knew going in that it was going to be a short night. I knew going in that he was going to be stressed and distracted. Still, it really bothered me.
(I did not think about the fact that he made time to see me, as he always does now before a lengthy trip. Whether a quick lunch at my place or a movie or a quick dinner, we always spend a little time together before he leaves.)
As I went to pick up my bag, he said, looking me in the eye, very earnestly, “We will go out when I get back.” He knew I was pissed, and he knew that he was wrong. I know from his emphasis and earnestness that is more significant that grabbing dinner at our favorite asian places.
He stood and hugged and kissed me the whole way out. We paused and spoke in the foyer and kissed and hugged again. As we stepped outside, he looked at the car, as he always does, and I said, hey, do you want a ride tomorrow? He said, will you be up at 8 am? I told him of course. We thought about how we could fit his two large suitcases and four sets of equipment into my car and realized it could happen, but it was probably too dangerous and he would take a cab. We kissed again in the house and again outside and it was very sweet, but I was still angry. (It’s this damn pms because I know that it’s irrational.)
After the Date
I called him about 10 minutes after I got home to ask a question related to something he wants me to do on his behalf while he is gone. He wants me to invite other people to the thing he is inviting JF on his behalf. It’s a big deal to him and he is sponsoring it, too. He answered right away, but he was short with me, so I was short back, which made me feel like crap.
I called him back about 15 minutes later to apologize and wish him bon voyage. This time, he let it roll to voicemail, so I left a message and followed up with email letting him know what excitement I had during the week, etc.
No response, which is not unexpected.
The next morning, I texted him when I knew he was sitting at the gate to wish him a bon voyage and complimenting him on a job well done.
Where we are now . . .
Well, honestly, I have no idea. I assume we’re fine in his mind. He knows Saturday night was unacceptable. I appreciate that he made the effort to see me, given everything he had going on this week. I missed him and seeing him for so little time just sucked.
BFD is a shower, not a talker, about everything. He is careful in planning, careful in what he says and how he says it. He demonstrates his feelings through actions and, when he says something, it’s significant. This is who I have known him to be. He believes that in making time to see me, taking time away from him focusing only on him, that he is demonstrating how important I am to him, even though it’s brief. He is a loner, a man whose life revolves solely around himself. His prime directive is to make himself happy.
Everything he does is deliberate. He sometimes fails to act, fails to consider, but when he makes a move, he has thought about it long before he has done anything or said anything.
So, that’s all about him. I accept these things about him, but at this moment, I am not happy. It’s a momentary thing, I think, but I am factoring all of this in to my analysis. We had a bad week, starting with his facebook shit and then moving into date 31. We have been a bit confrontational and cranky with each other.
I do not know how I feel about him or how I feel about us. I do love him, but I am not happy. I think a lot of that has to do with me because his behavior has improved over time and a bad week is just a bad week. This is not a short-term relationship and when I look at each date in a vacuum, it’s easy to lose sight of the flow and the context.
I am stressed out and massively hormonal. I have been ailing and scared. I am feeling adversarial towards my business partner. I am just plain angry and frustrated at the world right now.
I am not happy, in part, because I want all the toys. I want him to worship the ground I walk on, though I know I would not really respect him if he did. I want him to put me first, but then he would be boring to me. I love that we’re comfortable enough that we can order in and spend an evening watching the playoffs, but I do expect him to spoil me, even though it pains him to dress for dinner. I like that we tussle, but I want more from him than I got this week.