I have spent the day crying.

Even now, I have tears in my eyes and occasionally running down my cheeks.

This is the second day out of the last seven that I have been crying on and off all day. It’s also the second day I am not really sure why I am crying.

I had a long, hard talk with BFD. He spent 37 minutes with me on the phone in the mid-morning on what he considered a work day. I was in tears before he called. I called him (no answer) and then sent him an email asking if he wanted to do some outdoor adventuring on a really beautiful day. He replied back within 5 minutes to say that he was working today . . . and that he had a business dinner for tonight.

I burst into tears.

I called him, still upset and we ended up speaking for 37 minutes. The gist of the conversation is that he is worried about me, concerned about my ability to financially support myself, concerned that I am not stressed the fuck out about being poor, and worried that the car is too much for me to handle financially and that he is burdening me for his benefit. In other words, he is not trying to support me, no matter what his action suggest. I mean, he’s here for now, supporting, but he expects me to step the fuck up and fix the situation. Which is fair.

So, he was encouraging and awesome and wanted me to seriously think about everything and he’s so worried about everything.

I hung up the phone, still incapable of telling him how I feel about him, and cried.

I was so upset by the conversation that I called him back as soon as we hung up. No answer. Called him again an hour later. No answer, but he did text me to both mobile numbers to say he was on phone and reminding me that he was working and wanting to know what was up.
I replied back a couple of hours later, after I tried him again, to say, I had 2 business questions to ask him, which was true, and that I would just shoot him an email.

It took me 3 hours to email him my two business questions. The emails I wrote in between and did not send contained a lot of weirdness and guilt and passivity. I did not send them. What I wrote in each was a general acknowledgment: “i know i have been struggling since we met, and i hate that this is a thing between us. i’ve never struggled so much in my life, and i am just trying to stabilize and then move forward.”

My financial instability is a thing between us. It is the only issue between us. It’s not about the money of it. He’s rich. My financial status has no impact upon him except that it makes him uncomfortable building a life with me. Which is perfectly understandable. At this point, he is afraid and worried about my ability to support myself.

In part, it’s about due diligence. If I am making money, then he knows that I am who I say I am, that I know what I say I know. It’s a short-hand thing for us. It does not bother me that he feels that way.  He should feel that way.

Our relationship is imperiled because the stakes are so high.  If he didn’t love me, none of this would matter.  If he did not care so much about me, none of this would matter.  If we weren’t seriously contemplating our future together, none of this would matter.

I am rededicated and refocused on doing what I am supposed to do, which is his point.  He wants to see me stable — a simple job, a small amount of money.

It devastates me that he has these concerns.  It devastates me that he’s right to be concerned.

It also pains me to know that I am some how incapable of telling him how much I love him.  Given the opportunity, I hold my tongue.

I have had tears streaming down my face all day because I love him and I miss him.  I have not been sad, for the most part, . . . just emotional.