My ex A is still one of my best friends.  We have been family to each other for nine years, though we split up almost two years ago.

Because he is attending an intensive 2.5 month training program for his new blue collar career, we have not seen much of each other lately and I have been really missing him.

A knows me better than anyone.  He knows my secrets, my pain, my shame.  He thinks I am crazy, which I am, but he also knows all the good stuff, too.

A knows me well enough to know that I really needed to talk (I actually texted him Sunday night to ask him out for a beer, which he knows I don’t drink), so after he bailed on me for lunch on Monday, he called me on a break last night and I told him exactly what was going on.

(Well, I elided over the “I am head over heels in love with another man” thing, when he probed “do you see a future with this guy?”  I said yes, but I am anxious about it.  I also told him to disregard my steady affect, when I sensed he was not believing me.  [I am quite emotional about it, I just didn’t want to be all “whoo-hoo, I am in love” when speaking to my ex about my current.  Even I am not that much of an asshole.])

A feels as BFD does that I need to figure my shit out and make some things happen.  A never pushed me, though he was there as things began to crumble and he suffered mightily from some of the choices I made.  (And vice versa.)  He acknowledged he should have pushed me harder and said wistfully that I never listened to him.  I said I always listened, I just did not comply.

A asked me two questions, which are obvious, but still made me think:

What is it that you want to happen?

What are you doing to make it happen?
(Later rephrased as: “Are you doing what you should be to make it happen?”)

The fact is that right now I desperately crave stability.  Not even success at this point, just stability.  I spend each day  tortured by the loud roar of stress and fear, which makes me incapable of performing at the level I need to, makes me emotional and angry, and makes me depressed to the point where I cannot make good decisions.  I know this.  Everyone who loves me either knows or suspects this.

I have one asset: my brain.  I am very smart and very savvy.  I see opportunity everywhere I look.  I am very good at my job.  Except . . . I can only do my job when I am not overwhelmed by the shitstorm in which I am spending every single day.

What I realized in talking to A is that if I just do what BFD has asked, I will be fine.  I will be fine and I will be with BFD.  If I keep fighting to be independent from him or continuing to tread water because I am scared, then I will continue to be stressed and unhappy and broke.  A’s question about whether I see a future with him is whether I want to be tied to him.

So, now I am pondering these two questions.  My answers are surprising me.  My situation is not so desperate, I just need to commit and move forward.  Commitment is so hard for me, but if I just commit, then I think I will be okay.

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