At some point, I will go back and update the blog to capture what’s been happening for the past week or so. I’ve been writing, but not finishing anything, so distracted, so upset, I’ve been incapable of doing anything.
The short version: things with BFD have been sucktastic for a week, maybe longer. We have been mostly apart, he’s been largely absent and when we have been together it’s been a bit tense. I had to borrow money from him (very short-term, but still), and it’s made him more aggressive in giving me advice and counsel about choices I should make about my future. In addition, he is dealing with a serious business crisis that has been distracting him for weeks.
Because we have had very difficult, painful conversations, I have wanted to look him in the eye to make sure that things were okay. I know that sounds silly, but he admitted the truth to me about his most recent ex-girlfriend and told me specifically that they broke up in large part because she became financially dependent upon him and it upset the balance of power in their relationship. He said, “I don’t want that to happen again.”
Okay, that’s fair, but she was a pilates instructor and I am a lawyer.
Anyway, after that conversation on Thursday morning, I called him Thursday afternoon and it was tense and awful. We did not see each other on Friday because he was exhausted and cranky, but we had plans on Saturday. Saturday canceled when he “forgot” he had a business dinner out of town. I asked if he wanted to see me after since he told me when he’d be home and I never heard a word from him. I called him late Saturday night and never heard back.
Sunday morning, as I sat outside talking to my neighbor S, who is now training with BFD thanks to my invitation and introduction, BFD finally responded via email.
I read it quickly an hour after he sent it, since I was speaking to S, as is our Sunday morning tradition. I walked in to check on our respective cats who were hissing at each other in my bedroom.
The email began with “sorry listen I just have a lot on my mind right now” and ended with “Anyhow, lets talk later …..” In between were three incredibly narcissistic and odd paragraphs, along with a touch of cuteness and gratitude for what I do for him. Essentially, he is begging my indulgence for how much shittier his behavior will be in June. This is the same stuff he did when he “broke up” with me in January at the airport and then called me as soon as he got home to ask me for dinner the next night.
I stumbled back outside, slightly shell-shocked, to say to S, “I think BFD just broke up with me, again.” I laughed with S that this is what BFD does when he gets really stressed out. And it is. S, of course, likes BFD, because who wouldn’t? He is a great guy — nice, cool, whatever. S works in the same industry as BFD, so he knows his type of guy, i.e. assholes.
Okay, I probably should not have said anything to S, but I was shell-shocked. I made light of the whole thing and we spoke a while longer before I came back in do get ready for brunch.
The more I thought about it, the more relieved I became. Seriously.
My biggest concern the whole time was that the distance and distraction from BFD was related to me and to my financial issues. I have been beating myself up about it, trying to find ways to quickly resolve those issues to reassure him. (I have also been concerned that he has been looking elsewhere, to someone less complicated.)
Except that’s not the problem at all. It is an issue, but that’s not what’s been happening with us. Instead, it’s all him and him continuing to stick his head up his own ass. The only thing he can see is the topography of his intestinal track.
What I realize in reading his email is that he is apologizing for his bad behavior and letting me know it’s not about to get better.
What is better . . . how I feel. It’s not about him. In fact, I’ve not responded to him at all. I have no interest in responding to him. In his mind, I am still his girl. If I were not, he would not have gone through the torture of writing the long email explaining what is happening and apologizing.
What I am experiencing is a new level of calm and focus. I am reconnecting with my friends, I am getting work done, I am enjoying myself.
I have been so wrapped up in everything with him that I have lost some of my mojo.
But today, I enjoyed being me.
I stepped on the scale this morning, and I dropped two pounds from yesterday thanks to my inability to eat when I am so upset. (Down to 113, which makes me so happy! And yes, I know sadness-induced starvation is a fucked up way to do it, but still 113!)
I pulled a fab little outfit together and hit the trail by 8 am, thinking long and hard about everything that’s been happening and reflecting on whether my relationship is good for me if I feel so bad at times.
I had an excellent brunch with my friends. The food was wonderful, the company was, too. I ate a cream puff and a small slice of tres leches cake, which earned me a lot of “she eats?!!!!” I was the only one who ate dessert . . . and they also had a running commentary that obviously that is all I would eat that day. Actually, they were right. I had some sunflower seeds pre and post trail and I have had peanuts as a snack tonight.
I appreciated the looks I got when I was out and about. I loved the young cute salesman glued to me and flirting when I was buying new running shoes. I had a great chat with the ex. I had fun shopping with some friends. I tagged along with W to a party. It was a busy day and I was happy just being me.
I feel better. I cannot believe it, given how upsetting and awful the past few days have been, but I feel better.