When I get angry at BFD, I refer to him with variations on his shortness. Yes, it’s a shitty thing to do, and I don’t do it to him, but the angrier I get, the shorter he becomes.

We have not seen each other in 10 days. He’s incredibly busy and something he was shutting down may be resurrected, and will save him significant money, which makes him happy. We were supposed to meet today at “noonish,” but he awoke at 11, missed his training, and then had to work. Tonight, he was heading off to meet someone he is considering hiring for the resurrected project, someone he likes very much, who lives in the big city south of here. So, tonight was already off.

I called him when he was 45 minutes late. He was apologetic, of course. We spoke for a few minutes when he told me how much trouble he’s having sleeping, we talked about the car, which he wants me to use while he is gone and my mother is here, and he told me that his trip in a couple of weeks is to see his family. He’s excited — he’s playing good uncle and taking the kids to an amusement park.

It was a good little chat, and he told me he’d call in an hour at 2 to figure out the time for him to give me back the car and that he was leaving at 4.

He never called, so I called him at 4 and we spoke for a while. It was a really good conversation, again. He told me more about his trips, exactly where he was going and why, explained again why he is working so hard. He told me he would not be gone much this upcoming week, I corrected him, and he said, it’s just day trips. It’s not like we will see each other more next week. We already basically agreed we’d not see each other for the next 3 weeks, not force it anyway.

Two important things happened in the conversation. First, he wants me to get my own car. He’s willing to finance it for me, but he wants me to get a little used car of some sort that will be mine. I am actually okay with it. Driving his car makes me think that he loves me, and it is a sexy car — smooth, elegant, fast. I love the car and he loves that I drive it, but it is a lot of responsibility and it’s just a lease. He wants me to spend the same money and buy a car. It makes sense, obviously. Having my own car, though it would be a loan from him, is still a matter of independence from him. It’s my car, my choice of where and how to go. I can wash and wax it as I wish. Having me be independent from him will make us both happier, even if it means I drive a shitty car for which I am wholly responsible.

I began looking at cars in earnest today and found 4 solid possibilities, all from the same manufacturer.  My favorite one is 1k over my budget from him, but I am going to ask him to do it anyway.  After all, I know how much he spends on everything and it’s not like he could not afford the extra thousand.  I need something reliable to run around town in and I found something absolutely perfect, although it is not at all what I thought I wanted.  The more I thought about it, the smarter that particular choice seemed.  It’s a well-made car and a brand my parents have driven for longer than I have been alive.  The more I think about it, the happier it makes me.  My mechanic sent me the specific things to check on it for the test drive and assuming it and the carfax check out (and BFD agrees), I want to get it this week.

I think BFD will love my decision.  It’s a smart choice.  It’s nice, but not flashy.  Very useful, and the kind of thing I might hang on to even if I get a newer car in a year or so.  Now, to convince him to increase my budget enough to cover it . . .

The other important part of the conversation is that we have an actual date scheduled for Sunday.  He asked what I was doing tomorrow and I said, nothing.  I asked him what he was doing, and he was free, too, so he asked me to brunch.  Now, it’s very unlikely that we’ll hit brunch since I know he will be exhausted from tonight’s drive and he’s not sleeping well.  I do hope we’ll see each other.  though we are speaking regularly, it’s different sitting across the table from him, talking face to face, and frankly kissing him.  (I really miss kissing him.)

Dating BFD has never been easy.  He’s selfish, he’s a workaholic, he’s a narcissist.  His world revolves around himself.  I am more like a moon orbiting a planet orbiting his sun, but I am the woman in his life.  That we are only dating each other is plain to me . . . he has too much going on for him to woo someone else.

I do think that being more independent from him, having my own wheels, having some freedom from him, will make our relationship stronger.  I am afraid that he is afraid I am with him for his money.  Sure, I would not be with him if he did not have money, just like he would not be with me if I were not attractive, but those are threshold issues and not why we are with each other.

He does not seem to realize, despite all evidence, that money is not important to me at all.  I supported my ex financially and even when we were both gainfully employed, I made more than 2x more than he.  I live modestly.  I have expensive taste, but I am frugal.  I spend money where it counts and skip it where it doesn’t.  The car will show him again that money is not important to me.

BP, who is probably worth 3-5x more than BFD, knows how little I care about money.  Money only matters when it provides freedom from stress.  I owe very little to very few.  It is what enables me to make the decisions I make.

Taking on this new liability worries me, but I think it’s important for my relationship.  I also know BFD well enough at this point to know that he would help me if money became very tight for me.  Again.

I have no idea if I will actually see BFD tomorrow, but I hope I do.  I miss him very much and I know this may be my last chance for another few weeks.

Advertisements