I have put on 5 pounds over my OMG upper limit of 118.

It’s not noticeable to most people — I look a little younger, a little more womanly, my ass is more impressive.  Everyone thinks I look better.  Seriously.  The jump from 113 to 118 to 123 has left people thinking, wow, you look good.  To them, I still look thin, but not really skinny.

I have put on the weight by being on vacation, by being ill, by being very bloated, and by experimenting.  I know what I am doing.  In part, I have intentionally gained weight to see how it feels. Now that I have done it, I have decided to drop back down, although I have not decided how far.

It started with BFD . . . he insisted on my eating and eating and eating.  He’s never commented on my weight directly.  Instead, he comments on my eating.  How I know this is actually about my weight: I eat in front of him all the time.  I eat a lot.  I never hold back in eating with him.  Still, he pushes me to eat.  He brings me calorie-laden things.  He insists we eat when I’ve already eaten. For him, it’s about my weight.  He was horrified when I told him I’d lost 8 pounds since we’d been dating, dropping from an obviously attractive 122 to at lowest 111, but mainly 113-115.  It became obvious when, on our last date, he insisted I drink a smoothie he’d made (even directing me back to it post-sex) and then insisted we go to a late dinner.  He was hungry, obviously, but his insistence was intentional.

BFD is in fabulous shape.  A little heavier than when we met — he was in hardcore training mode before his season started — but he has an amazing body for someone in his 30s.  And he’s in his 40s.  Being with him puts pressure on me to be thin.  In my own head, only.

But I got too thin.  I mean, I know I got too thin.

So, I have put on a little weight.  My belly is rounder, my hips are wider, my face is fuller.  I am speaking about this as though I am some gargantua, but I am swanning around town in size 4 sheath dresses, pencil skirts, and miniskirts.  I just bought a ton of new clothing — all 4s — and I look great in size 4 ready-to-wear and mall staples like br/ann taylor/j crew.  I wore a miniskirt tonight, and every time I walked through a restaurant (and I was in 3), I turned almost every head.  I look sexier with curves.  But, I don’t like how I look.

I prefer being skinnier.  I like being really thin.

I am debating with myself how far to go.  I have decided to drop down until 118, at a minimum.

The problem, of course, is that I have body image problems and I have no idea whatsoever how I look.  To me, everyone in the world looks a little pudgy.  BFD, who works out 1-3 hours a day 6 days a week, looks a little chunky at times.  (He’s not.)  Girls who I know are considered thin look big.  Women I know are considered sexy as hell look fat to me.  They aren’t, any of them, but I can’t make sense of what I see.

I am not certain what I will do ultimately, but for now, I am going back on the plan.  I am softer than I want to be.  I will be paying attention and considering at every step just how far to go.