It’s 1:56 am and I have had a long, strange day.  I had a bad date with BFD — nothing bad happened, he was in pain and it was all awkward and weird (and sexless) by the end.  I spent the day looking for cars with W and JF, and BFD is holding me to a tight budget, for absolutely no reason except it’s what he wants to do.

I found a car I like for $1k over my budget, and BFD will not budge.  He created elaborate scenarios under which I could borrow the balance from other people.  It’s still under my revised budget, but over my initial budget and now my final budget.  I knew he would not budge on it.  It’s a matter of principle, not money.

Hours later, BFD decided on a whim to buy a new television for 1.5k, which is a good price on a great tv.  We walked into the store to buy movies and he thought about buying a blu ray player and I told him he should get a new tv (his is small and does not even fit his space).  So we spent 5 minutes looking at them and he pulled the trigger.  But for the fact we were driving “my” car instead of his suv, we would have left with a 46″ lcd with 120 hz refresh and blah blah blah.  As we walked to the cashier tv-less, he mentioned that the fact we’d done no research on the tv did not matter since he was spending 1k on one piece of his sports equipment that he broke in camp.  Yes, I told him he was a dick.

With his available unused personal credit accounts, he could buy my not inexpensive condo.  He keeps more in cash than all of my closest friends and immediate family make in a year and they are all very highly successful professionals.  He just lives in a different universe, and for the most part, it’s okay.

This is not okay.

Four weeks ago, I borrowed, at his insistence, $2k from him.  My client check cleared 2 days after he gave me the money and I have offered to pay him back many times and he always said, don’t worry about it until the end of the month.  I kept it in a segregated account and today, I withdrew it in cash. He’d mentioned it to me a couple of times this week, so it was important for me to get it back to him.  He wanted to be sure I could afford to return it, which I could (barely).  Again, it was the principle, not the reality.  (I asked him what he spent on his new jacket: more than I just returned to him, but he saved over 1k.  I told him what I just spent on my new cocktail dress and he was impressed that I got a $600 famous designer dress for $40 and wanted to know “where?!!!!!”  Last Call.  Obvs.)

When I walked into his house this evening, I walked upstairs and put the wrapped stacks of money on his desk.  He was thrilled.  As was I.  Now, I owe BFD, he of the Best First Date and also my Big Fucking Deal, nada.

It felt really, really good.

So, I have made some important decisions . . .

Decision #1: I am returning BFD’s car to him this week.  We’ve discussed it for a while and he wants the car back and to buy a used car for me.  He would lend me a fixed amount of money, and I would buy and insure the car myself.  That’s perfectly reasonable.  As my friends remind me, I am driving his 50k car and he’s 100% liable if anything happens, plus he’s a deep pocket, so it’s bad.  Besides, it’s a lease, which expires in about a year, so I will need a car in a year anyway.  He thinks I should save my money now and buy an inexpensive car so that in a year, I will still have a car.

Okay, fine.  Reasonable.  He made the bulk of his fortune by directing his prodigious intellect to macro versions of such decisions, so who am I to argue.  Besides, his car and his money.

Does it make me feel a little unloved?  Yes.  Do my friends/family find that absurd? Yes.  Driving his car reminds me that he cares about me.  He makes all the payments, pays the insurance, etc.  When I slide behind the wheel of the beautiful car, I feel loved.  Otherwise, not so much.

Decision #2, I do not want to borrow the car money from him.  I have decided to pass on his offer.  So that means I am returning the car and not getting a replacement.  I am returning the car and taking buses and cabs.  There are two immediate impacts this will have on my life: my social life will begin to suck, mightily; and my relationship with BFD will suffer, perhaps irrevocably.

Despite that, I think I am right.

With decision #2, I owe BFD nada.  I am independent from him and we have no connection to each other.  We will be together if we choose to be together and not out of any sense of obligation.  That’s the upside.

The downside, aside from all of my friends hating me for being dependent upon them again, is that I will not see BFD with any regularity.  For us to see each other, he will have to drive 10 miles into town and we will not be spending time at his place . . . just here, with the cat to which he is allergic.

To say our relationship will suffer is an understatement.  I think it could kill our relationship.

But  . . . I believe I am within weeks of being able to afford a car for myself.  I also think I would rather wait and risk losing him forever rather than taking his money and being a debtor to him.

It is now 254 am and I am nodding off, but this feels too important to stop.


I am not revising the text above, but it is late night rambling.

Here is how I feel at 8 10 am . . .

I think I want to stop seeing BFD.  I am not exactly sure why.  It’s just how I feel right now — unhormonally aided.  I am exhausted.  I am overwhelmed.  I am sort of over his bullshit.

There are times when I feel as though I am just orbiting in his universe.  It’s stupid and irrational, but I am very stressed out in general and in ways that have nothing to do with BFD.  We are closely coupled at this point.  I know everything about his business, his life, his family, and his schemes (and, there are schemes).  He appears to trust me implicitly, working through his logic problems, sorting through his tactics, implementing his strategies. That is great.

But there are little slights.  Small wounds he inflicts without thinking.  At least I think they are without thinking . . . I cannot imagine he’s a sociopath.  We’ve been together almost 9 months, and though it feels significantly shorter, I think even a narcissist like me would have noticed if he were a sociopath.

He likes that I think as he does.  He likes that I look for angles.  He likes that I understand what the hell he’s talking about.

At this point, I feel as though I owe him nothing.  And I like that.

See, the problem is that I do love him, but I don’t know him really without a soupçon of dependence.  Now all relationships have elements of dependence.  That’s the whole freaking point: sharing joys and sorrows with another human being.  But I am just not comfortable being so dependent upon him.  If we were life partners, then it would be okay.

The 12:01 pm edit:

Sent him an invite for lunch/dinner around 10 am. He declined for work.  He is busy, and he’d said so yesterday.  Still, I thought it was worth a shot.  I want to take him to dinner to thank him for floating me.  It meant a lot to me and it was hard for us both.

I wrote him a second email, just sent at 1245 pm that included mentions of dinner, returning the car, fucking, and asking if he needs anything from the places i am going for my errands.  He is the luckiest man in the world.