I am tempted to send this message to BFD: “in case i don’t tell you often enough, thank you for everything.” I’ve been staring at the open email for 20 minutes. It feels like a valediction.
We just had such a strange conversation that I feel the need to cap it with a valediction, to wish him farewell, to let him know how much I appreciate him as I pull away. I am pulling away. My heart hurts. My chest feels tight.
I am incapable of processing what has just happened and I am afraid I am already remembering it incorrectly.
The bottom line, I suppose, is that nothing real has happened. I heard something he said, assembled it with how things are going, and I have basically decided we’re not together anymore.
Except I think, as usual, I am overreacting, but I am terrified I am not. Because I am afraid, I naturally pull back.
It’s sort of the worst of all possible scenarios, and I am going to attempt to unpack it all in one gigantic post.