I keep looking for reasons to separate myself from him because I am terrified. I love him, but I feel unworthy. I don’t know how he feels about anything because we don’t talk about it. I am afraid to talk about it because I feel unworthy. I am bringing little but fertility to this relationship.
I mean, I am a great catch — smart, educated, attractive, interesting, etc. — and I am perfectly suited for him. But I know he’s scared.
He looks at me and sees instability. I know I am setting off alarm bells for him. He has been so honest about his fears that I will be dependent upon him.
I need to get my life together before I can do anything and I know I cannot make any decisions right now.
I need to stop trying to separate from him and embrace him as I am. He’s still here, still with me, still taking care of me to the extent I let him.
I need to start being honest with him about how I feel and what I think. I know him. I need to trust him.
I just made my breakfast and I know that all of these issues are real . . . but they exist mostly inside my head. I know, logically, that things are more stable than they feel right now. We saw each other two days in a row doing just relationship stuff. Part of my issue is that he’s so stressed and has been in such pain that we’re not physically connected. We’re kissing and cuddling, etc., but we’re not having sex. It happens. He said long ago that when he’s in work mode and stressed, it doesn’t even occur to him.
My trip wire that BFD keeps banging into is that his issues with me are my issues with me, so the alarm bells are amplified. Everything he is concerned about hit every single one of my insecurites about myself.
With that, the crazy lady is going to step away from the keyboard and get to work.