Today was another busy and crappy day. Lots of work and family drama, and punctuated by the last conversation I wanted to have with BFD: the SO conversation.
I was home, having just clicked off an annoying conference call, when BFD rang through. It was 106 pm.
I am not going to remember much else accurately, but I am going to my best to capture it.
BFD opened the conversation by mentioning that he thought it was strange that at his big guy dinner last night, when the question came up about how they all were recruited, all of my friends said they were invited by BFD’s “significant other.” He said, to me, “I didn’t realize I had a significant other.”
At that point, my heart fell into my feet. Literally, I sat in my library and just felt crushed.
He asked: “what have you told people?” Not accusing in tone. Not angry or upset. More curious.
I told him, honestly, that I object to the word boyfriend, which I do, and I tend to tell people that he is someone I am seeing.
I asked him, at some point, if it were a problem. He said, no, but he prefers to keep his private life private.
Fair enough. That was something he’d mentioned many times. It influences his facebook status and it’s been the cause of a fight or two.
I asked him what he wanted me to do about it, and he told me not to make a big deal out of it — or correct my friends. It was fine, but it was something he hadn’t thought about. He really hadn’t thought about what we were doing.
Okay, so this is better, I supposed, but I had to know . . . uh, what are we doing? So I asked, and got more and less than I’d bargained for.
Here is where it gets even stranger and where I remember less and less accurately:
- He’s not sure he can be in a relationship because he’s so screwed up
- He has so little to offer because he’s so screwed up and his life is so terrible
- I asked if he thinks of himself as single and he said he does not think of himself as anything
- To which I asked, well, what do you think we’re doing?
- He said: “I have no idea”
- To which I said: “B, I am dating you and I’ve been dating you for a long time and we see each other as much as we can . . .”
- And he interrupted me to say something about how little we see each other
- I told him that I felt we’re together but taking a break from seeing each other while he travels, etc., which we are
- And it was all very pathetic and sad and mildly enraging, but mostly just pathetic and sad
- Yet again I have a boyfriend who thinks he’s too screwed up to be IN THE RELATIONSHIP HE IS CURRENTLY IN
Again with this bullshit.
Okay, so I say to him, look, this is where I am: I am dating you, I am not dating anyone else. He did not really respond except to say that he didn’t really think he could be in a relationship because he’s so fucked up. EXCEPT for the fact that we’re in a relationship that was very happy until his business deal went sideways and he had to start working and traveling constantly. But he’s an idiot who has forgotten that as shitty as things feel right now — and they do — they were great not that freaking long ago.
Again with this bullshit.
So we talk business a little bit in and around this painful for both of us conversation.
He’s withdrawn into his BFD shell trying to convince himself that we’re doing some undefined thing so it’s okay that he completely sucks as a boyfriend, since he’s not my boyfriend though he calls me every single day he’s in town and we’ve been in regular steady communication for months at his impetus, not mine. Fine. He dates only me in town, and I presume overall although I could be wrong, but I know him and I know how his very simple brain works. He takes me shopping, I drive his car, and he has put me out front in interacting on many things for him.
Part of his issue is that he seems to be a bit insecure when it comes to me. I am an attractive appealing woman who puts up with his bullshit. And he knows it. He is afraid that I will be financially dependent upon him, which is understandable and anathema to him. On the other hand, he takes care of me and spoils me and falls into a very comfortable, domestic relationship with me. I am very much his partner and he tells me almost everything — about his personal life, his family, his friends, his wealth, and his business.
At the end of this conversation, we jumped back to speaking about business and he told me, pointedly, that successfully completing his deal would be very important and would demonstrate a lot and he would be very impressed. No one has ever successfully done it for him but him. Often with BFD, it’s all about subtext . . . and the subtext is clear that the only thing standing between me and moving to the next level in our relationship is success on his deal. Now, it’s also clear that success is not expected and that it won’t damage us if I fail. That was more text than subtext, though.
Needless to say, I was thrown over all. He had called, with an inquisitive, but not accusing tone. He said it was not a big deal and unnecessary to correct with my friends, but it made him uncomfortable not for people to think that but for it to be discussed in a social setting, which unfortunately, this was. (It was essentially a small banquet he was sponsoring that the organization was using to honor him to steward him into a new gift. Confusing? Imagine me trying to help him find his volunteers in the first place and then coordinate the invites.)
That it lead into the more painful, more difficult we don’t really know what in the hell we’re doing talk . . . well, that just kinda sucked, but I suppose it had to be done.