A warning: this is more random and more confused than usual. I am feeling a little better since I began writing it, but it’s difficult. I think I am massively overreacting, and yet, perhaps not . . . .
I am having a rough week. Lots of work, lots of stress and strife. In the midst of my tension and pms, BFD and I are separated by his business trip, shitty week, and request that I indulge him again with not making plans for July as he’s traveling constantly.
Not fine, but I agreed.
I have not seen him since Sunday. I was originally supposed to see him on Monday or Tuesday, but his schedule went sideways (I got his plaintive email on Monday) and Wednesday was so bad he confessed to JF at their dinner that he was having such a terrible day he should have never come to this state. Ouch. On Thursday, we had our SO bad conversation and then he headed out of town.
He was supposed to be back today and said he’d call me. He didn’t. For BFD when traveling, that’s not unusual, unfortunately. Except the stakes are higher now since we’ve not seen each other since we had our hard talk.
That hard talk — and his behavior and affect at the dinner, about which I just learned over lunch — are making me reconsider everything. Part of it is that I was beaten up by my dumbass friends at dinner; part of it is a lingering hurt.
Things have changed significantly over the past 6-8 weeks, which coincided with a business crisis that I am now working to help him solve. We went from seeing each other regularly and sending and receiving risqué emails and texts to talking when we can and seeing each other maybe 1-2 days per week every other week. It’s quality time, more relationshippy, but it’s limited.
When I look back to where we were in before things started to go sideways and we were very happy, with drama of course, because he’s challenging and I am uncommunicative and then crazy, but very happy, very intimate, very affectionate . . . and the sex: amazing. He kept putting himself out for me and I held him sort of at arm’s length but even our bad times were together.
Then, in May, two things happened: he had a business setback that is not necessarily threatening his empire, but making him work 3-4x as hard and shifting his thoughts about whether to continue or re-retire. At the same time, literally, the next day, he flew off for camp. Things changed here, but I have never thought about whether the two things were linked.
Now, I am thinking about it. Things were good immediately after his trip. In fact, the date we had as soon as he was back, I labeled “greatest hits.” Then it started to go sideways. The next week, he lent me money and suggested I get a new car and money became an issue. Still, his life became more stressful and he spent less and less time in town. When we saw each other, it was great and we instituted a more domestic airport pickup element to our relationship.
Until we had our talk SO bad conversation, I never thought he was actually dating other people. I still assume, perhaps erroneously, that I am the only woman he sees here. I have checked him on certain things, and I rejoined the dating site to see if he’d made changes — he hadn’t. (If he were active, he would have changed his pictures to the better ones he has since posted on fb.) But now I do wonder if he is dating or more importantly fucking women out of town. He rarely travels to the same place and he tells me everyone he sees all the time, but I wonder. I am always highly suspicious and that has only been enhanced with three things: (1) some distance between us, (2) a photo I view as intimate with a young woman at his last camp — he is behind her with his arms around her waist — I confronted him about it and his response without guile was “I like the picture;” and (3) he insisted that he was surprised other people viewed me as his SO, or frankly that he did not view us as being in a relationship, that he hasn’t thought about it.
That still chafes. I mean, I get him and how he thinks and he’s depressed and stressed, etc., but really, you asshole.
Another problem . . . I haven’t seen him since I gave him back the car. Now, he’s not been here and when he was, he was busy, but now it takes more effort, so after two straight days on the weekend . . . I did not see him. He said he was flying back yesterday and would call me . . . he didn’t. I called him and shot him a text, but I had no response. He’s supposed to be off to see his parents for three days today (they are in their 70s and heading to the ancestral homeland for 6 months, so he is careful to spend time with them — this is the second time in 4 weeks).
So, of course, with the backdrop of his life sucking so much he’s been openly discussing his misery in public and glitching everywhere, I am in turmoil. Mostly, I am angry. I gave him the indulgence of don’t worry honey do what you have to and I will be here waiting when you’re done, but I am beginning to reconsider.
I just cannot believe he forgets how close we were before things derailed and how much fun we had just last week and last month. We’re still enjoying each other and speaking daily when he’s in town, but it sucks right now. It mostly sucks because he was such a jerk. After I’ve made (finally) my feelings clear, he’s withdrawn by circumstance. And apparently, he was slightly dickish about me at the dinner, but that’s very unclear from JF’s description.
I can think about it from his perspective and the only thing I can come up with is that he’s compartmentalizing everything to cope and he’s just not thinking. I know how he is with me, I know how we are in public, and his stuff last week was bizarre.
Now, it may mean that we’re on the cusp of breaking up, and that he’s already decided to break up with me. It may be that he is slow walking our breakup until he sees if I can get his deal done, but that doesn’t make sense either. We’re not together because of business — business has happened, but that’s not the heart of what we’re doing.
The bottom line is I am exhausted, pre-mentrual, and depressed. I keep letting his bad attitude affect me and it’s just wrong.
I am not happy with him right now, but I committed to staying in, essentially, until his calendar clears. I committed to being here for him, taking care of him, and all the other stuff that matters. By the end of our talks on Thursday (dear lord is it only 3 days?!!!), he was sweet and adorable and affectionate and laughing about the bad stuff and promising to call me on Saturday.
Then, he missed the call.
I am not certain what he’s thinking about me, but I do believe he’s forgotten exactly how great things were when we were together more regularly. It means we’ll have to revisit things once/if his schedule slows. He’s been honest and open about the schedule stuff and he knows (and I’ve reminded him) we have been here before.
My turmoil is that I am not certain I want to wait for him to figure it out. I am frustrated and hurt and angry when he ignores me, but that’s been going on for a while. He was in town for fewer than 24 hours — arriving back from a business trip and seeing his family. Still, I am troubled.