My brain feels functional for the first time in weeks. The past 3 days, I have been finally getting my head together, which mainly consisted of pulling it out of my “wonderful ass.”
This morning, I had a lovely chat with my long-time, semi-retired business partner BP. I have been slacking, unable to do my job, because I cannot think straight. It’s been a source of constant frustration for me . . . and for him.
In order for me to do my job, I have to be incredibly optimistic and creative. Because I can be a bit of an actress, I can temper my reactions, modulate my voice, and convey clearly whatever I need to, but it’s hard when I am down. Actually developing what I am supposed to my I feel disconnected . . . impossible.
Since Sunday, I have started to feel better. I have been getting a ton of work done, some of which was as much as three weeks late, and I can think clearly. There are a lot of issues with which I am dealing and they are all affecting how I think about myself and my place in the world and how I react to the regular bullshit surrounding me.
What I realized today, is that I am well and truly back. I feel good and solid and strong.
In fact, I feel so good that dinner with W, who was so negative about everything (my job, my relationship, my attitude) that I told him I would not be spending much time with him because it damages my psyche. He said he understood.
In the morning, I got an unexpected email from BFD letting me know he’d be back tonight and asking for a project update. I shot him a quick message that I was on the phone with BP and then followed up later and asked him if he wanted to have dinner. His terse response: “not a chance….have to prep for [trip] tomorrow and will be in late.” So there’s that.
I wrote him a long follow-up email mostly about business, but bookended with relationship stuff. I do that to keep reminding him that I am his SO and we are in a relationship, despite the fact we’re taking a little break from each other because of his schedule.
He did not get my email, so he called me and we spoke while he was in a cab heading to the airport from his parents’ house. It was fine, mostly business, which is all he thinks about now. (Even at the big dinner last week with my friends, etc., JF revealed BFD spent much of his time fiddling with the iphone, which is a level of rudeness I’ve never experienced with him.)
Because we’re taking a little break, I am pulling away from him again. He is not really entering my current thoughts, which is definitely for the best. Things had been really good, until June, really, and they could be good again, but I am not going to waste my brainpower worrying about it or What It All Means.
What I am focused on: me. Just me. Only me. My looming birthday has sent me into a dither and I’ve spent too much time worrying about my relationship and not enough time worrying about me.
I am the person I want to be. Self-involved, sure, broke very often, but I frequently lose sight of the fact that I am a lovely person with a lot to offer to my friends, family, and SO, who ever s/he may be.
BP said some interesting and important things to me and I actually wrote them down as he was speaking. He said that I am “so sweet and so kind that you miss that everyone else dealing with you in not so sweet and so kind.” He told me that I needed to “get the mud off [my] glasses and see clearly . . . that [BFD] is not The Guy.” BP thinks I am only with BFD because I am broke and if I had money of my own, I wouldn’t be with him. I don’t think that’s true at all, but he just thinks he’s not good enough for me, though he also thinks we should settle down and get married. Yeah.
Back to me . . . so BP also said that “what’s easy for you is to break down people’s defenses and get them into agreement.” That is my best skill, actually, bringing people into accord, helping them feel great about what they’re doing and pushing them to do more.
We spoke a lot about how hard it is for me to do my job, because I have to create a reality that does not yet exist and keep that future and the present in balance. It’s hard. It’s complicated. It’s draining. But, when it goes well, it’s the greatest thing in the world.
For now, I feel really good and really solid. I am doing what I need to do to feel that way. My friends, who I love dearly, are intensely negative, and their negativity has harmed my psyche and my relationship and my profesionalism. That it has affected me so much is a sign of just how intense their bs is. When I started spending less time with BFD 6 weeks ago, I started to hear only the greek chorus and to doubt myself, my instincts, what I know.
I am separating a bit from them, focusing more on me and reaching out to people who are more positive. It’s making a dramatic difference in how I feel and how I think.