I am floating, really, for no reason. I am happy and smiling at the world. I am moving with confidence and authority. I am exuding sex. I look at my body and think, hell, yes.
To what can I attribute this obvious change in attitude — working out again. Seriously, it’s just exercising, I think. I am not focusing on the scale, I am focusing on the fact I can balance on the ball of my bad foot (broken, with stress fractures) and do 8 to 16 counts of movements of my right leg. The pride I can take in doing pushups (seriously!), that I feel comfortable each time we have to do 100 crunches. That I enjoy doing leg lifts. I am not among the thinnest women in the class and I have a total girl crush on a pilates instructor who can execute flawlessly what I struggle to follow.
It’s interesting to do this with BFD. More accurately, I do it near him, but not with him. I love to look up and see him smiling at me. He’s always happy I am there and he likes that I do my best, without complaint, which is pretty much how I perform with him in every facet of our lives together.
Things with BFD were tense this week, but we’re back on track. He’s reaching out, reconnecting, and being my guy. He’s engaged in a rough part of his business cycle, so I am giving him space. I miss him like crazy when we’re not together, but I like that we’re seeing each other regularly in multiple situations. We’re friends, we’re lovers (although not as much as I’d like . . . ahem), and we’re doing business together. It makes everything wonderfully complicated.
I am finding a renewed passion for things truly important to me — music, art, fashion.
I have been stepping onto the scale every morning, and I am not yet at my weight loss goal. (Today’s weight 117.4 — goal weight: under 116.) But, I no longer care. I look great and I know I look great. I have some definition coming on my calves and thighs. I wore a positively scandalous outfit for Thursday’s training session — it was super body-conscious and I rocked it!
I am living life on my terms, not allowing my friends or family or business associates or brain to derail me.
I have a few secrets I am keeping — I may be leaving my town for a while and I have a chance to leave the country to return to a city I love, where I have worked on and off for years. Eventually, I will have to decide between my relationship with BFD and my ambition/career. I am not convinced that choosing ambition/career will kill my relationship with BFD. In fact, it might enhance it. We’re barely together now and it might be better to acknowledge we’re long distance and deal with that. But those are thoughts for a different day.
For now, I am very, very happy. I am satisfied with where things are. I am smiling all the time. I am handling difficulties with aplomb. It is all about me and I am very happy in my own skin.