I still have a massive unpublished post about my last week with BFD — our fight, our makeup, our plans for this week, and my disappointment that he canceled my birthday dinner for work — well, rescheduled from actual birthday to later in the week.

Things with us are okay.  He’s exhausted and stressed and sick.  He disappeared for the weekend, literally “laying low” as he worked and recovered.

The rest of this original post disappeared as I went to publish it because I was not web enabled.  Dammit.

The bottom line is that I am being very present for him and he’s reaching out to me.  We’ve not had sex in a couple of weeks, though we’ve had dinner and seen each other.  He’s really ill and really stressed.

We’ve fought and reconciled and been tense and reconciled.

I am dealing with it and him.

I told him I would wait and I am waiting, but it’s hard.

Then he calls me to talk about nothing, just to hear my voice.  Or he calls to talk business, to tell me he’s worried about his deal and about me.  Or he calls to tell me he’s angry or because I did not call him or whatever.  But he calls, he reaches out, he emails, he’s here.

Then he kisses me, smiles at me from across a room, let’s me know he’s here, he’s present, he’s with me, despite the fact I hold him at arm’s length at times.

He’s with me.  I am with him.  We’ve been down this path before (a few times).  This feeling of separation when I feel we’ll never reconcile.  But we always have.  We’ve always come back stronger.  We’ve always made it up to each other.  We’ve built on the strong foundation and added the new stuff.

The next couple of weeks will be interesting.  I am nervous and scared that this will be it.  But I always think that and it’s always okay.

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