I don’t even know what to say or how to start.  My mind is reeling, I am dizzy and nauseated, and I just want to cry, scream, and punch something.

On a whim, I signed on to eharmony, checked BFD’s profile, and he had uploaded a new photo.

I don’t know when, but some time within the last 6 weeks.

It’s why I rejoined, so I would know.  It’s why I never closed him out.  I always knew that at some point, he would and I would want to know.  Now he has, and now I do.

I cannot quite process it, to be honest.  I cannot imagine when he’d be dating.  We speak all the time, he’s been incredibly busy.  He’s been ill.  I cannot calculate when the change happened, but I know it has.

I just looked back at my call log and he had called me from home, mostly at night, every single day he’s been in town for the past 3-4 weeks with the exception of Sunday, July 19th, when he was sick, and Friday, July 31st, and Saturday, August 1st, when he was still sick and working on his deal.  We’d gone to dinner and then spoken late Thursday night, and that was it until Sunday, when I knew he was working himself to death through we thought then Monday (but turned out to be Thursday).  In fact, everything felt so great between us, I didn’t even think to reach out to him until Sunday afternoon.  We spoke a few times and then fought on Monday night.  He emailed me on Tuesday, sweetly.  He called me on Wednesday and was all sweet and tender and awesome and then we finally went out on Thursday after the great workout where we were all closely connected — tightly coupled, as a matter of fact.  Then, he was off yesterday to see his family.

So, that’s what has happened over the last month or so, except apparently, at some point in the not too distant past, BFD decided to rejoin or reactivitate eharmony.  I wish I knew when.  I wish I knew at what point.  I know it was sometime between the very end of June and now.  It could be within the last two weeks, but I don’t remember the last time I logged in to look at his pics.  They hadn’t changed then, so I didn’t pay attention.

Now they have.

And I am left reeling.

I don’t know what it means.  He certainly could have gone out of dates last weekend when we were both working.  We have not had sex in three weeks now because he was ill and then busy and then gone.  Could it all be a lie?  Sure.

Do I believe I am living in a state of absolute denial?  No.  I pay attention to the little things, the microtremors.  I did not think I could miss much.  I have known things were rocky, which is why I have been paying even closer attention.  I have listened.  I have been attentive.  Yet, I missed whatever happened to us that made him decided I am not it.

At some point, he decided we weren’t happy.  I knew it when we fought on Monday and he denied how happy we’d been 2-3 months ago.  But things felt better, stronger, truer.

I don’t know where, if anywhere, I go from here.  I cannot eat.  I cannot think.  I cannot process it.

It makes no sense to me, and it’s a secret I have to keep.