It’s been 18 hours or so since I found out BFD is back on eharmony.

I’ve been combing back through everything, looking for opportunities for him to be lying to me, thinking through every interaction to wonder when things changed and how much they have.  I don’t know when he rejoined.  I don’t know that he’s active.  I just know he uploaded a new photo.  I rejoined so I could see when/if he did.  When things went weird, I signed back up and I check occasionally.  I haven’t checked lately, so I don’t know when exactly, but I think it’s within the last 6 weeks.

I am still nauseated, still freaked out.

It’s also been a good opportunity for me to think through some of the mistakes I’ve been making.

This time last year, I was essentially, technically having an affair with my business partner, BP.  We’ve known each other for years and it was wonderful and horrible and ultimately heartbreaking. Then, I went out with N, signed up for eharmony, met BFD immediately, and we have been dating for 10 months.

I have never been completely honest with BFD.  I have never told him that I love him.  I have never told him that I see a future with us.  I have never put myself truly on the line for him.  Instead, I have been waiting.

When I think back through everything, I may have figured out when he re-upped — the second week in July.  It was sucktastic. He was reconsidering our relationship, etc., and freaked out when my friends announced he had a girlfriend at a society dinner.

=====

Some perspective.  I actually feel better — still nauseated, of course, but better.

I have decided to go on as usual, behaving as his girlfriend.  I will leave it to BFD to dump me, as his girlfriend, not as some amorphous taking-a-break thing.  But I don’t think that’s what is happening.  I think we’re improving and doing better.  I think it’s been getting better.

Oh, and I will be checking in on his profile daily, just to be sure.

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