Back to my karmic lessons . . .

I’ve been beating myself up for a few mistakes I’ve made, but I have one enormous overall lesson from the past week: I am loved.  Really, my life is filled with people who love me, who fight for me, who would kill for me.

I do not know how I became so fortunate as to have so many wonderful relationships with people who really and truly love me.   Girlfriends, boyfriends, family members, business partners . . . my life is filled with people who love me.

My life is filled with stress: I have been working very hard for a few weeks to try to get some business things closing.  I have bills to pay.  I need money.  I am broke.  All of that should be changing soon, but it has not changed yet.  My relationship with BFD has had its ups and mostly downs lately.

Despite that back-drop, I am happy.  I am in bed, late at night, thinking I am so lucky.

Friday night was filled with people I love who love me. . . including the Alternate Reality who again expressed his love for me, told me BFD was not the right guy for me, and told me he just wants me to be happy.

I had a 2 hour conversation with BP Saturday night when he explained that I the Alternate Reality is right, BFD is not the guy for me long-term, and I should be handling myself, my business, and my relationship differently and “. . . if [I] were [BP’s] girl, I’d never want for anything.”

The whole BFD is not the right guy for me mantra is based on two things: (1) he is not around much and, when he is, we are not spending time socializing with other people, and (2) he does not obviously take care of me in the same way other wealthy men who might want to be with me would take care of me. Really.  That’s it.  Part of it is that I am often oblivious to how BFD feels and so I report what I think rather than what the reality is, but the man takes care of me, he just wants me to succeed on my own — with his unbelievable help and support.

I often forget how people feel about me.  I often feel alone, and I never am.  I am surrounded by people who love me, who care for me, who want to protect me.

This week’s Free Will Astrology knocked be back on my heels, as usual:

If you really knew how much you were loved, you would never cry again. A sublime relaxation would flood your nervous system, freeing you to see the beautiful secrets that your chronic fear has hidden from you. If you knew how much the world longs for your genius to bloom in its full glory, the peace that filled you would ensure you could not fail. You’d face every trial with eager equanimity. You would always know exactly what to do because your intuition would tell you in a myriad of subtle ways. And get this: A glimpse of this glory will soon be available to you.

I cannot tell you how much this sings to me.  It’s like beyond speaking.  It’s every conversation I had with AR, every conversation I had with BP, and it’s what BFD believes.

There are times when I have lived this, but I have felt so insecure for the past 6-9 months.  What Friday with AR really meant to me, what Saturday night’s conversations with BP really meant to me were an affirmation of the fact that I am loved and that I deserve to be loved.  I deserve to have everything I want, even when I feel unworthy and unloved and alone.

I am always worthy.  I am always loved.  I am surrounded by love and enveloped in it.