Since my perplexing date with BFD on Friday night, I have done a lot of soul searching. I have been the recipient of unwanted, unneeded, and unheeded “advice” from my friends/family, and I have had to think seriously about myself, my relationship, and my friends.
I have been writing all of it down, but it’s very raw and weird and I am conflicted. Throughout my life, I have been very successful, supremely confident, and beloved. Now, I am in a difficult position because I am constantly absorbing the slings and arrows of my friends casting aspersions on every decision I make and undermining me at every turn. For me, that’s not healthy and it has negatively impacted my psyche.
I have, for the first time, been open with people about relationship issues. My rules have always been: (1) never say about my SO what I wouldn’t say to him, and (2) never speak about relationship issues outside the relationship. I have violated each repeatedly and allowed people to think they can say things and I will listen.
The fact is, I am significantly smarter, better educated, and more intuitive than my friends. I deny it to them, but we all know it’s true and I am often reminded of that fact by them. They admit they hold me to a different standard — laziness in speaking or clarity is not tolerated. Yes, we all have the same advanced degrees, but they view me differently. I don’t think about it. Plus, I am a woman with three men as her best friends, so the dynamics are always bizarre and they want desperately to be included and involved in my romantic relationships and want my guy to be their friend.
The reason I am mentioning all of the above is that I had it all said to me yesterday by W, as he chastised me repeatedly and filled me in on everything that’s been happening around me.
They are great people, successful lawyers, etc., but they’re a tight little group. BFD is confident enough to be himself with them, but if we have time to be together, we want to be together. He shows up for occasional events and they may see him during football season, but he’s just as likely to want me to himself — and frankly, we often end up having sex with a football game or a basketball game on in the background. (I can think of many times we’ve shut off the game at half-time or ended up naked with the tv on mute during important moments in the game.)
Recently, I learned that JerkFace has been continuously bringing up my relationship with BFD as a matter of gossip at every opportunity. It has gotten so bad that they have all instituted a ban on the conversation. Let that sink in for a minute: my friends, when I am not around, have spent so much time disparaging and gossiping about my relationship with BFD that the others instituted a BAN on further conversation about it among themselves.
The big decision I have made: I am keeping my mouth shut. For events, I will invite him, but for casual dinners out which they all do all the time: no. He does not need to be a part of the group. I would put us both in the category of “special guest stars,” not “series regulars.”
I am also choosing to respect my man and keep developing new friendships. The guys are still family to me, but their constant abuse is more than I wish to endure.