I have genuinely been moved by the comments from all of you who have taken the time to post. It’s clear from what you’ve written that you read this blog and pay attention and you are calling me out on my bullshit as necessary.
I even appreciated the comment asking how would BFD feel if he knew I posted “every tiny, disgusting detail of your sex life on the internet” — proud, I would think.
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately and I’ve felt lost and at times inauthentic. I have been questioning myself, my reactions, my friendships, and my relationship and figuring out what I want and what I am willing to do to get it.
Ultimately, I just want to be happy. I want to keep finding interesting things to do with interesting people and look for beauty that surrounds me. I don’t talk much about my passions (outside of my sex life) because I consider them quite outable, but I have a genuine appreciation for all manner of artistic endeavor and I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who are both entrepreneurial and creative.
Lately, I’ve been in a terrible place — bored and frightened and as BFD would say “weird.” I just had a birthday so the biological clock stuff matters and we are coming up soon against some hard deadlines in my business and BFD is exerting work pressure on me to wrap up the work I am doing for him. There is, to be brief, a lot of shit on my plate. In 30 days, I could have millions in the bank through my own work, or be homeless. Chances are, it will be somewhere in between, but that’s the tightrope I am on. And I am on the tightrope. I left safety when I took the second step out, and safety awaits at the end. For now, my arms are out, and I am trying not to look down.
I wrote and privated a series of posts this weekend that were a long, intense discussion I had with BP, my long-time business partner, and ex-secret boyfriend.
BP told me today that he is making every effort to follow through on his commitments, which affect three things I am working on: our old project, my dream project, and the project I am doing with BFD. I want to share some of the insights that he gave me:
The only concern I have for you is that you have this sense of embracing failure without knowing it. You just buddy up to it without knowing it.
Your character is unrelenting faith — in God, in people — you’re probably the most faith-based person on the planet. 90, no 95, no 99% of the time, you’re a drum major, beating the drum, leading the march. But that one percent . . . which overwhelms who you are, when you just buddy up to devastation, when you see armageddon coming your way. You are God’s child, so armageddon might be coming for the person next to you, but not you.
[He spoke about the words and story of his famous spiritual mentor, which is all too outable, but essentially about walking without fear.]
You were chosen to do what you do. You walk the line of failure every day, but what you haven’t embraced is you are who you are. You don’t need money, money needs you. Through you, money finds its place.
This is what i allude to when i talk about [BFD]. If i choose to do it, it’s about getting money to you, but someone has to appreciate in you is that you are a soldier. You know it. You need to tell God: God, I have been foolish.
In the science and spirit of what we do — we get lost — what I’ve learned is that if you’re going to be a true soldier for God — there’s no fear, no doubt.
If you really really want to watch yourself succeed . . . it’s going to start there.