A Note: Going back to my weight loss days, I have always been nervous to acknowledge a significant switch until the second day.  I wrote this on Thursday, but I did not want to jinx myself.

Thursday Evening

I am actually glowing.

In part, it’s the endorphins coursing through my body after an especially hard workout.  I made significant physical progress, not the least of which is doing sets of 15 pushups every time without pausing.  Real pushups.  No on my knees, girly pushups.  The real ones.  In public, surrounded by girls doing girly pushups.

[BFD was not there to see them.  He’s out until September, business trips and then training camp for 10 days.  I checked in using one of his cards.]

I almost clapped for myself and I really wanted to jump up and text him after the first time.  And the 3 times after that.  It was amazing!   After, the instructor told me I was glowing and my chi was balanced.  And that’s exactly how I feel.

Let’s take a step back for a moment — I have been fucked up for a while.  I have also been in complete and utter denial about a lot of it, and when I’ve not been in denial I’ve been paralyzed by fear.  Every single person in my life has been telling me this for months and I have been incapable of seeing or hearing them.  I know the moment my life fell apart, when I became a shadow of myself.  February was the worst.  I lost 4 pounds in 2 days, dropping to a scary 111.  I nearly lost everything. From there, everything fell apart and I lost my mojo.  I have been dependent since then and scared every single day.

I remember being with BFD on the 1st of February.  The next day, my life fell apart.  Since then, I have been lost.

I have had moments of happiness, where things were getting back on track, but, for the most part, I have been filled with stress, uncertainty, and despair.  I have been crippled by fear of losing everything.  I have been struggling.  It has been awful.  Even in wonderful times, there has been this shadow I’ve been living with so long, I made it a part of my world.

I have been having long, in-depth, soul-searching conversations with everyone in my life for a while and I’ve been obtuse and obstinate.  Now, some of it was the message — everyone tended to focus on the relationship with BFD, but that did not make sense to me.  In large part, I think it did not make sense because BFD was not the problem — or at least not more than half of it.

Today, I had a mind-changing, life-changing, intense conversation with BP who explained me to me again, but in a way I could not ignore or look past.  BP looked into my heart and spoke from his heart to mine.  I actually laughed and cried in the same instant, both emotions pouring out of me, as he spoke.  I wrote as he spoke, capturing each word because as he spoke, I heard the truth.  Truth I’d been fighting and ignoring and fearing.  I had to admit not only have I been very fucked up, I’ve been in control of my road to salvation the whole time, but first I had to embrace what happened and then move past it.

Like with a significant weight loss, I am nervous about posting this until I can confirm I will till feel this way, but I feel so very good on a deep, soul level.

I feel balanced and healthy.  More importantly, my brain feels clear.  I can see and hear.  I have clarity, finally.

After I spoke with BP, I thought even more about what he said, but I realized that the veil had been lifted and I got it.  I could see again, and I knew, instantly, that he was right. About everything.

BFD called me a little before 4 to chat. He wanted to know some info about BP and to see if BP would be interested in meeting his new time frame about which he emailed me in the middle of the night (I responded but reminded him I would prefer that when he thinks of me at 130 am, it’s naked and straddling him, etc.).  Rather than dodge or sidestep, I answered the questions directly, though I knew it was not what BFD wanted to hear.  He said, “I don’t know, [Plan], that’s too much.  Doesn’t he want to start lighter than that, make sure it works first?”  Actually, no.  I explained it’s part of a three project portfolio, and that’s how he does things.  I suggested maybe we will do it the way we’d discussed before, but his hesitation was interesting.  He knows what he can handle, what level of stress and involvement, and BP’s interest is a stretch.

[An aside: Interestingly, BP believes in BFD and vice versa.  They have a really nice rapport and BP could push BFD to be even greater and more successful.  The ultimate question would be, at what personal cost?  Anyway, . . . ]

BFD asked what I thought about his offer to me that had been in one of the 130 am emails, in which he offered me a significant piece of his companies.  [In the email, he explained in two paragraphs the buy-out, and he added, that if I took the buy-out, I would be responsible for paying the whole payment on the car.  Again, with the fucking car, dude.  JFC.  That he’s such a little financial tyrant is a constant source of irritation. I ignored the email all day because the car part annoyed me and because it contravened everything BFD had told me to do in negotiating with other people, so seriously, now you want me to do it because it benefits you and you get to have me tied to you for a minimum of 5 years?  Ridiculous.]

So, BFD asked what I thought of his offer, which, frankly, was generous, though I did not tell him that.  Instead, I told him I’d been thinking about it, but the car thing was ridiculous.  He said, “But, [Plan], you’ll be cashed out, so you’ll have plenty of money.”  At this point, I stopped him and said, there is no way you are going back on our agreement.  You agreed, you have to stick by it and that’s it.  No discussion.  He started to argue, but stopped himself and laughed and acknowledged that yes, I was right and his suggestion was dumb.

Aside from the exact quote, I don’t remember the exact words.  I remember his laugh, and his emotion, and I realized what everyone has been telling me.  In this scenario, I took complete control, held him in check, told him unequivocally no.  He loved it. In that moment, I saw that by taking control, I finally made him happy.  He melted and became warm goo in my hands.  It was remarkable to hear.

We pivoted off business to personal business to personal, and I heard one of his visiting business associates in his office, also on the phone.  He said, look, I don’t know that Saturday is going to happen.  He detailed their travel plans out of town Friday and now Saturday for late business dinners, apologizing the whole time.  I said, when’s your flight on Sunday [to leave for camp]? He said, 8 am.  [With the amount of gear he’s traveling with, he can’t make quick changes to his flights to accommodate seeing me, nor could I drive him to the airport.]

I said to him something only this week I have started to say again: “I miss you.”  He dropped his voice to say with force and emotion, “It’s going to be okay.  We’ll figure it out.”  I reminded him that we’re fine, which we are, and that we’ve done this before, which we have.  He said forcefully, I am so sorry, but I will call you.  And I know he meant it.

It’s funny, I felt a switch that I always knew would happen, but I couldn’t figure out how to effectuate it.  I thought if I impressed him somehow, he would see my worth and we’d get there.  But that wasn’t it at all.  He wanted me to tell him “no.”  Which is what I always knew, but couldn’t figure out how.  Now that I did, he was warm goo.  It was awesome.  We exchanged texts later, but I get him and I know what needs to happen.

After training, which is downtown, I called some friends, walked into our usual watering hole to see if they were there (they were not), and grabbed a quick cab home.

I had a great night by myself.  I didn’t watch tv, though it was on.  I just listened to music, talking to mom and some friends, and just happy.  I feel so good in my own skin again and excited about things.  That shadow, that constant dread, that “yeah, but,” that pessimism . . . it’s gone — or at least it’s in remission.

Friday Morning

I am off to a great start this morning.  I have had to confront a lot of hard truths about me, my relationships, and my friends.  What I realized is that I am the problem.  Well, that’s not exactly right . . . I am the solution.  A lot of things I would have not normally settled for (and we’re not just speaking about BFD here, but about everyone), I have tolerated grudgingly because I felt powerless and weak and vulnerable.

I’ve been very wrong about things because I’ve been crippled by fear, deafened and blinded by this shadow that’s enveloped everything.  And now, I am feeling effective.

I’ve had moments, even days and weeks of clarity, but what I feel now is control.  I feel like I am back in control because essentially, I am admitting I am not in control.  I cannot make people do what I want, just be prepared to respond and control myself and my plans and preparation.

I don’t know if this is permanent or temporary, but I feel like me.  I can tell in how I am speaking to people, in my lack of hesitation, in my thoughts about work.

And all of this is while I am enduring pms and pain.