We are now at the point in a BFD trip when I decide I hate him.  I do this every time.  The first few days are fine, then I start to really miss him, then I start to get pissed the fuck off that that man with whom I am in a relationship could be the man in my life who cares least about me, etc.

I do this every time.

So, I miss him and whatever and his forceful “I will call” has resulted in the usual silence.  But I am not angry . . . just annoyed and frustrated.

At moments, I hate him.  I am tired of his bullshit and his inability to balance his life in a workable way.  Compartmentalizing does not equal balance.

He is back on Tuesday.  I have not yet broken up with him in my head, which I suppose is progress, but every time we go through a long separation I pull away from him and I am already incredibly skittish and looking for any excuse to bolt.

For now, I am still here, focused on me and my needs and not him and his.  I have no idea what the future holds for us.  The next few weeks will be telling.

But, then I think that every time and we keep persevering and getting closer.

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Aside from BFD annoyance . . . I am dealing with a lot of stress and pressure, but my mental shift from last week is still in effect and I feel really great.

My weight is not where I want it.  In general, I am at 117-118, which is 2-3 pounds higher than I like it to be, so that when I go out and indulge, I float to 117-118, not 120-121.  Still I am a solid 2/4 and I look really good.  I am beginning to realize I look thin . . . and then I hit our training session and I look enormous.  My thighs: large.  In real life, I look hot.  I wear a 2 in jeans, and I have been carefully building a new wardrobe to maximize the “oh, this old thing?” of looking like I can throw anything together and look great.  In reality, I think through carefully all the proportions and angles and accessories to come up with just the right look.

I am back to swearing off alcohol for a couple of weeks, which should enable me to drop back to 115.  (I have become much more muscular over the past month, so it is possible that I cannot get back to 115.) Really, I am focusing on getting stronger and fitter and not caring so very much about thinness, but I still have the body image problem, so I often think I am fat, even though I could weigh an additional 10 pounds and still be a 4.

I am happy.  I have been reconnecting with a group of old friends and I always forget how much joy and energy I get from reaching out to other people.  I have been making a lot of new friends lately, too, especially through our training sessions and I love getting out there and being me.  I have also befriended JerkFace’s new girl and went out with her for drinks on Wednesday.  It was a blast — although I cannot hold my alcohol.

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