We are now at the point in a BFD trip when I decide I hate him. I do this every time. The first few days are fine, then I start to really miss him, then I start to get pissed the fuck off that that man with whom I am in a relationship could be the man in my life who cares least about me, etc.
I do this every time.
So, I miss him and whatever and his forceful “I will call” has resulted in the usual silence. But I am not angry . . . just annoyed and frustrated.
At moments, I hate him. I am tired of his bullshit and his inability to balance his life in a workable way. Compartmentalizing does not equal balance.
He is back on Tuesday. I have not yet broken up with him in my head, which I suppose is progress, but every time we go through a long separation I pull away from him and I am already incredibly skittish and looking for any excuse to bolt.
For now, I am still here, focused on me and my needs and not him and his. I have no idea what the future holds for us. The next few weeks will be telling.
But, then I think that every time and we keep persevering and getting closer.
Aside from BFD annoyance . . . I am dealing with a lot of stress and pressure, but my mental shift from last week is still in effect and I feel really great.
My weight is not where I want it. In general, I am at 117-118, which is 2-3 pounds higher than I like it to be, so that when I go out and indulge, I float to 117-118, not 120-121. Still I am a solid 2/4 and I look really good. I am beginning to realize I look thin . . . and then I hit our training session and I look enormous. My thighs: large. In real life, I look hot. I wear a 2 in jeans, and I have been carefully building a new wardrobe to maximize the “oh, this old thing?” of looking like I can throw anything together and look great. In reality, I think through carefully all the proportions and angles and accessories to come up with just the right look.
I am back to swearing off alcohol for a couple of weeks, which should enable me to drop back to 115. (I have become much more muscular over the past month, so it is possible that I cannot get back to 115.) Really, I am focusing on getting stronger and fitter and not caring so very much about thinness, but I still have the body image problem, so I often think I am fat, even though I could weigh an additional 10 pounds and still be a 4.
I am happy. I have been reconnecting with a group of old friends and I always forget how much joy and energy I get from reaching out to other people. I have been making a lot of new friends lately, too, especially through our training sessions and I love getting out there and being me. I have also befriended JerkFace’s new girl and went out with her for drinks on Wednesday. It was a blast — although I cannot hold my alcohol.