After an intense, important, stressful, but largely honest, vulnerable and positive conversation with BFD, he called me this morning to talk business.  Actually, he called me to deliver a brief tutorial that was really helpful.  After the tutorial, the conversation was light and airy and we ended affectionately.

We exchanged email on and off throughout the afternoon about the (new not business related) ad campaign and the photo shoot he will be doing while I am away.

The rest of my day was really stressful and awful, including a bad fight with BP that left me in tears and thinking I had just jeopardized everything including the deal between BFD and BP.  BP and I had the discussion on the phone and it was just terrible.

As soon as we hung up, BFD called.

I tried to compose myself so I didn’t sound so very weepy, but I told him it had been rough.

What he told me next shocked me more than the conversation we’d had the day before: “I’ve decided to start seeing a therapist.”

He told me he needs someone to talk to, someone who can help him sort through his issues, and he’s here without his usual people to turn to.

I assured him this was a great idea.

He explained that he needs to figure out some things about his life and his choices.  He ” wonders if I am ever going to have kids, why I haven’t.”  He knows he has put himself into the situation where he consistently dated women where children were not a possibility [excluding me] and what that means.

I told him that A and I broke up 2 years ago because he decided he did not want to have children and wanted me to have the opportunity to do so.  I told him that having a family is important to me, that we had discussed it early on, and it is still something I want, and that when he has told me about his crushing ennui, I have held my tongue, but thought about suggesting having children together.

I asked him asked him if he saw that for us, and he said, “I don’t know, that’s why I need therapy. I need it because I want to figure it out.”

I told him I support him completely and that I thought therapy was a great idea.  I also joked with him that I am happy to email his therapist questions or counter-opinions.

For as heavy as the subject matter was, the conversational tone was light and affectionate.  We ended it talking about lightness and he said he’d call me again later, which he did.

He has been unburdening himself of all of the things that scare him.  He is being very honest and very open and very vulnerable.

I can hear his fear.  He knows that something is not right in his thinking and approach and he is taking concrete steps to fix it.

I do know that this means he may not fix it with me.  I am aware that therapy may drive us apart or cause him to reconsider things, but I am happy to know he is taking it on for his own benefit and for ours.

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