We broke up.  I think.

It is, he said, not much of a relationship at this point.  It’s not my fault, he clarified repeatedly, it’s him.

He is right.  On all counts.

After a cranky conversation this afternoon, followed within 50 minutes by a painful “listen sorry but” email, BFD called me after 11 pm (after he arrived home from a day trip).  We spoke on the phone for over 90 minutes and I am still a bit confused by the whole thing.

He said “I thought I’d call to give you a chance to respond to my email.”

I was very silent about it, so he started talking.

At various points, I said “so, we’re done??” And he objected every time, finally saying, “What do you mean by done?  I am not saying we go to zero, I am not saying anything.”

And really, he’s not.  He’s hurting, he’s lonely, he’s in pain, and he cannot cope.

But I think we are done for now.  Perhaps forever, but definitely for now.  I have things to work on, he clearly has things to work on, and we need to be here for each other as friends.  The stress of expectations is too much for him to bear.  He does not feel capable of committing to a relationship right now [the kid thing again came up], and he does not want to factor me into his decision if he wants to leave.

At various points, we had to interrupt and ask, do you mean that for business or for our relationship, and we had to keep defining in which context we were sorting through what problem.  It was long and complicated and I am exhausted.

Also, he’s already asked me out on dates (next Saturday and perhaps this Sunday), we are still training together, we’re still working together and I may get the car back this week (as soon as I can pay the insurance, I get it back).  He asked several times in several different ways whether we could keep having sex.

When he sketched out his perfect future over the next few weeks: I had closed some deals and was financially stable, he had stayed here and had hired some new people, he had hired me, and we were having sex.

We have all the same issues we’ve had but he has reached out to get help and work through his problems.  I told him that what I did not hear in his email that I heard last week was hope that we could succeed, that things would be better.  That’s what I heard finally towards the end.

I will have a lot more to say about this tomorrow and in days to come.

For now, I am mostly okay.  A little raw.  A little confused.  A lot heartbroken.

I have decided to not tell anyone for now.  I don’t frankly know what I would tell them.  At this point, it won’t look much different.  It just feels different.