I have read those password protected posts a few times over the past day or so and I have written a follow-up about how I feel and where I think we are. Nothing I have written is any different from the “Not Saying We Go to Zero” post I wrote in the immediate aftermath of talking to BFD.
There are two issues: (1) he’s trying to decide if he is launching a new phase of his business, which essentially means he is deciding whether to stay here or leave, and (2) he’s dealing with some significant personal issues that affect everything in his life.
The “stay or leave” affects our relationship and he wants to make that decision without worrying about our relationship. We are not at the point where I would leave with him. We’re just not. Neither of us is ready for that.
His personal issues — the kid thing specifically and his inability to truly commit to another person — well, yeah, that sucks, but he’s taking concrete steps to deal with it. He just doesn’t think he can go deeper now when he needs to focus on dealing with his issues.
I always knew this is what we were dealing with. I always felt this is where we were, but it’s difficult to be here . . . without a plan, frankly. I mean, I have a plan — close his deals, which is what he’s been telling me for months was essential to our future — but I am not in control of the plan. I can do my best to make the plan as pretty as possible and I can do all the prep work, but I am not a principal and it’s not my plan to implement.
(This is an issue I have in other aspects of my life as well.)
For a while, I have been fighting against something that was true: he has been trying to incorporate me into his business life more and more. It was obvious, it was explicit. The reality, which he expressed rather articulately for him, is that it’s “safe” for him. Putting me into business with me, having me work with him now, and he hopes for him in the future, and giving me a part of his company, those are all of his ways of keeping me in his life when he’s incapable of marrying me.
I know him well enough to know that he’d hoped that if my status changed, if I were able to close anything — whether his deal or not, then he would be able to drop his guard with me and fully open up, seeing me as an equal. That hasn’t happened, and instead he’s reaching out into his past to connect with people to desperately try to feel something real and solid and true.
The sad thing is of course is that this is real and solid and true but he can’t be here with me. He has for moments, but not for ever. It’s not about me. I do believe him when he says that.
I could have asked him at any point about the business shift. I felt it. It was overt. I did view it as his attempt to lock me in, to tie me to him for years in the one thing that makes him truly happy.
BFD does not have to work another day in his life. He is looking at $2 mm houses. He has everything he could ever want, except a family because he cannot figure out how to get there.
Is there a chance we could get there together? I think so. I have always thought so for the same reason he has. But his issues are deeper and more troubled and he needs to work them out. He is taking concrete steps to fix them.
He came to me in our conversation on Tuesday to say that our friendship is more important right now than our relationship: “If there’s a relationship and it’s not happening, it gets hard to talk. I’ve been talking to my friends about what’s going on, and there is that extra element that is an element of isolation.” In other words, his stress about our relationship has made it difficult for us to be friends, which has isolated him more. I get that.
I do not know how I will act/react when I see him this afternoon. I do not know whether I will be open or closed, loving or cold, happy or weepy. I have tried to envision a range of scenarios to prepare for it, and I just have no idea how I will feel when I am there.
All I do know, I will look hot.