I appreciate all of the comments, emails, and tweets I have received from you.  It’s great to have so much support, even when you’re kicking my ass or telling me stuff I think is wrong or inapplicable.  Of course, you may be right, I may be crazy . . .

It has been a rough 8 or 9 days since BFD and I started having deep, intense conversations about our relationship.  We shared our deepest fears, our deepest desires, and the secrets we (thought we) were keeping from each other.  So, now we know explicitly where we stand, which is where we always knew we stood.

As recently as September 2, I wrote here that: “This is going to be the last month of uncertainty.  We’re both facing some important choices in our professional lives that will greatly impact our relationship.  For now, I am happy to be with him, to kiss him, etc.”

That “for now” was intentional.

We are figuring things out, sorting whether we can live with or without each other, and talking, talking, talking.  We’ve spoken more about our relationship over the past 8 days than in the past 11 months.

I have not been certain how to deal with him, how to live with him, how to tolerate some of his more tyrannical tendencies.  I’ve been going through a lot mentally, coming to grips with a period of extreme unhappiness and poverty, and trying to regain my footing amid so much uncertainty in my own life.

BFD, seeing me struggle, reached out with a business opportunity he thought would secure me for years.  But, in this market, it’s tough.  There are also extenuating circumstances, about which he’s not aware, that are affecting my ability to perform (i.e., no one who cares about me enough to do it wants to do it with him because they are in love with me [seriously], or think he’s an asshole for how he treats me, or both).  We’ll know within a couple of weeks if it works.  If it works, our relationship shifts again.  If it fails, we’re probably done, as a function of geography if nothing else, no matter what he says about the business not affecting our relationship.

Despite the drama, I am really okay.  I am able to think clearly about things.  I hate him at moments and I have an extremely low tolerance for his bullshit.  He knows and is being overly sensitive and incredibly sweet and engaged.  When he isn’t, when I texted him and did not hear back right away, I became infuriated.  The longer the delay, the more infuriated.  It’s unreasonable, but I have a now hair-trigger temper with him.

We are not actually broken up.  That has been clear and explicit from the beginning — at least to us.  I may not have communicated it well, but there are certain elements, certain words and phrases that I understand given the 360 degree view I have of everything.  There were certain petulant things he said that he took back later.

What we’re figuring out is the marriage/move/children thing.  Some of that was dependent always on my success.  That may seem cruel, but he was always honest that he needed for me to be successful to be with him permanently (and he has done and would do anything to help make that happen).  I wouldn’t be with him if he weren’t either.  That’s just part of this thing.

Figuring that out means we’re taking a step back, communicating more, and alleviating some of the pressure we’ve been under to make big steps forward.  Steps that frankly neither of us is ready for right now.  The difference between us, the difference between this week and last is hope.  I had hope (as did he last week) that we would succeed, that we would figure things out and be together.  On Tuesday, throughout much of the conversation, he was hopeless.  Toward the end, hope had crept back in, and he was very honest that we were not over or done or anything.  Really, he was begging for time and space to deal with his issues, while letting me know he could not move deeper until he figured things out and I saw what happened with his deal.

In other words, nothing changed except our increased level of honesty about where we are.

I have times when I absolutely hate him.  Times when his indifference is more than I can bear.  I have other times when I want nothing more than to call him, bubbling with good news, or kiss him or fuck him for that matter.

It has not been good for a while, but we’ve stayed in it because of how we feel about each other and the potential we have seen.  We both could have chosen easier paths.  I am no walk in the park, either.  He is surrounded by attractive women who adore him, and he has women throwing themselves at him regularly.  I have an actual waiting list of appropriate men (attractive, interesting, well-educated, successful) who want to date me and who check in regularly to see if I am single yet.

My best friend W fought with me a little bit about this today.  He told me he thought I was with BFD and putting up with his bullshit because (1) I was afraid to be single, and (2) because he’s rich.

I am not with BFD because I am afraid to be single.  I am never really single.  Maybe 12 months in 20 years?  I am vain and I understand my value on an open market — hot body, pretty face, quick brain, well-credentialed, good wardrobe, impish, worldly, easygoing — in my world, I have everything I need to date pretty much whoever I want.  (Yes, in my world, wardrobe and credentials count . . . especially during gala season, which kicks off this weekend.)  I have turned down other men to be with BFD, men who frankly offered more in many ways, and yet, I stayed with him for him, not from any fear of being alone.

As for BFD being rich, I date men who are successful, but I am not with BFD because he is rich.  BFD’s money benefits me in no way.  If anything, it’s been an impediment because it makes him skittish since people have taken advantage of him.  If I wanted to be with someone for his money, I’d still be with BP or with N, both of whom are wealthier than BFD and more generous.  BP in particular spoiled me, and when I was with him, I never had to think about anything.  Famously, he’s picked my hairstyles and paid for the appointments, he selected my wardrobe when we were on trips.  He sent me on trips without him, with spending money.  I never really thought much about it, about how much he took care of me, until he stopped.

[Edited to clarify: once I started dating BP, though he’d been wooing me for months, if not years, I stopped accepting money from him.  When I say he spoiled me, he truly spoiled me as my friend, but not in the context of our romantic relationship, from my perspective, although very much so from his.  After we started dating, BP made a a number of financial overtures I rejected — house, car, staff type crap.  That is not important to me and there is something so paternal about it that’s just offensive – also, sort of charming, but it makes me glitch in very bad ways.  One of the reasons I went to law school was so that I would never need to be financially dependent upon a romantic partner.  Despite some horrifically bad choices I’ve made over the past year or two that affected my cash flow, I’ve always been independent.  In fact, proudly, I supported my ex for a time while he went back to school.]

Into that void, I have not had BFD step.  I’ve never asked him for anything.  No help, no money, no reimbursements, no car.  He offered certain things, which I accepted, but grudgingly and I made sure he benefited from whatever I received (airport runs with the car, for example, which means every few days).  When I say I am not with BFD because he’s rich, I mean it.

Speaking of BP, I had dinner with him tonight, along with his very handsome son.  BP flew in for the dinner and left immediately after.  It’s always strange to see him.  He is often cruel to me now because of BFD, which sucks, but I made my choice and BP delights in being undermining.  He called me 3 days ago and asked me to ask BFD to buy a 25k table to a benefit next week in a city far from here and then he would consider doing the deal.  He was only slightly joking, I think.  It’s not like BFD would not consider it, but the request is outrageous.  It’s a dick-measuring contest: fly here, spend a lot of money for my pet project, for the chance to dance for me.  (There were 5k table available and tickets were $500).  Oh, and this is not even a dinner.  I think it’s a tea.

But dinner was enjoyable for me.  I picked my favorite restaurant, and BP announced he wanted me to find a new place to hang out (this is one of the top 5 restaurants in town, located in the best place, and I had my birthday dinner there this year), so he wants to establish an account for me somewhere to entertain and mingle in the right places.  (He is still my business partner.)  It’s ridiculous, but not  unusual.  BFD established one I can use at a place near our workout.

We spoke mostly about business.  He teased me about BFD, but then turned to his son to say, no, he’s a good dude, he’s just not good enough for her.

On that, we probably agree.