Today has been filled with torrential downpours, storm-related outages, and, for me, a general malaise.

I am in a rut.  I know it.  It’s hard for me to motivate for anything except working out, and part of the motivation is knowing I will see BFD.  (Not a big part, but he is/has been a factor.)

Most of the difficulty is that I am extremely broke, with checks delayed by weeks at this point and now I fear may never come, despite assurances to the contrary.  I have never had so little money.  I borrowed from BP for an emergency and he makes me cry about it every 5 days.  I have reached back out to old clients to try to make short-term money and that is not going well.  I cannot afford to get my car back from BFD yet, which only serves to isolate me further.

It’s terrifying and every day I am scared.

At the same time, I am supposed to be spending all of my time focused on four projects — two with BP and two with BFD — which could support me for a year or 5 for each one that closes.  That’s how razor’s edge my life is right now.  I am on the cusp of massive success while living in abject fucking poverty.

To do my job, I have to be positive and optimistic when all I want to do is to do is manifest my psychic pain in some physical way.  That’s the darkness I live with every day.  The feeling of helplessness, of disconnection, of isolation, of pain.  There is a lot wrong and to fix it, I have to believe everything is great, which is getting harder and harder to do.

I am very tightly wound as a result of the intense pressure. I am not sleeping well — 4-5 hours a night, I am not eating well, I am not taking care of myself.  I am subsisting.  Surviving, not thriving.

I realized mid-afternoon that I am beginning to hate weekends because I have so little to do on them.

Because I make plans, I decided to make a plan to see if I could break through the malaise, break myself out of the rut, reestablish some measure of control.

I am setting goals, then creating discrete tasks, as a way of breaking through.  I am figuring out how to recapture my mojo.

To be successful, I have to believe I am successful.  A hint of doubt can kill a deal.

I have been working on this for a little while, but it is still delicate.

Putting BFD behind me, for now, will certainly help that.