I might be making some progress on that whole rut thing.
Emerging from the Rut: Accentuate the Positive
I made a decision — choose positive. That’s pretty much it. I have decided that I am going to do as BP has often counseled me: embrace that everything will turn out well. That’s it. That’s supposedly the secret to success for me. Embrace that it’s going to be okay.
At every point, when I have a choice of how to view things, I have to view them in the most positive light. Not foolishly positive, not ridiculously optimistic. But, I will embrace that the right things will happen and prepare for them to do so.
I have strayed from that with all of the pressure I’ve been under, and yet, I do have what I want. I really do. I am who I want to be. I have to keep refining myself and challenging myself, but I am smarter, quicker, and better than I often give myself credit.
Generally, I wear sheath dresses and separates, especially pencil skirts.
When I went on my wardrobe refresh this summer to head into F/W 09, I looked for great dresses and skirts with interesting volume. Now that I am thin, I wear things I find interesting, whether or not they are particularly flattering. This drives BP crazy. Since he is a fashion guy, he understands, but he wants me to be as attractive as possible all the time — dressing for men, rather than dressing for me. BFD has not cared what I wear. He long ago accepted I dress up all the time, but for him, I skip the heels. He is both actually and colloquially my shorty. In fact, he stepped up his wardrobe, buying new things from an Italian line that should be arriving soon.
I am watching with interest the shows for S/S 10 and keeping my eye on the volume and proportion of the skirts. I have found some things I love from Derek Lam, Peter Som, Jason Wu, DVF, etc. The Alexander Wang collection was really awful, despite some interesting skirtage.
My love life is challenging right now, obviously.
BFD called me this afternoon to check in. It was a surprise to hear from him. He just wanted to know about my weekend, to talk college football, and find out how I was doing. I was annoyed to hear from him, sounding as though this were perfectly normal — although I suppose it was. We disconnected when a call beeped in for him. When he called me back, we spoke a bit more about nothing and I asked if we were having dinner tonight, which he’d tossed out last Tuesday during the break/up conversation. He’d forgotten we had discussed it, and it was casual and never confirmed, and declined in favor of Tuesday. I also mentioned Saturday and he had not calendered it and asked if there were something specific, but I told him, no, you just asked me out on a date for Saturday and he said, okay, cool, we’re on for Saturday, too. It was nice to talk to him on the second call. He sounded good and positive and comfortable.
I am holding him at arms-length, but I slipped and said “bye, hon” when hanging up. Then I wanted to kick my own ass.
With respect to my relationship with him, I have decided to be a lot more challenging and demanding. It’s time to up the intensity — and it’s not like there is much to lose.
One of the reasons I wanted to confirm with him for the week is to free up those other nights. I am considering dating again, other people I mean. I have a few people on the waiting list, and there is no reason for me to sit home alone. I am having drinks with N on Wednesday. He came to my birthday and my last date with him was almost a year ago, but he’s very sweet and there is no reason to see if perhaps a spark is there. W will be coming with us, so that works, too.
My weight is bouncing between 114 and 116 and I could not be happier about it. I look great at this size and I am excited to be here and sticking here.
After a lot of drama and nonsense and dread, I am excited for the week to come. Now that I have decided to accentuate the positive, I am genuinely excited to face the week.