I am currently obsessed with my workout.  Obviously.  In fact, I am more obsessed with my workout than I am with BFD.

A few weeks ago, we had a new trainer start and I have “beacquaintanced” her, not quite “befriend,” but we are warm.  She speaks to me before and after class, and she is always walking up or walking past when I am praising her.  She wants feedback and I am happy to provide it and reassurance.  Also, at her request, I send her music, and keep her in the loop on things.

Every time someone new starts, I help direct them to the best spots and introduce them to other people.  I did not realize I did this, or so easily, until three of the women there said, you are amazing with the new people.

I smiled to myself and realized that it’s like I am running for class president or something.  I am so friendly and outgoing, which I guess is how I am, but I don’t think of myself as particularly friendly.  But, I am.

I have a smile on my face . . . and a song in my heart . . . and a natural, easy approach that disarms very nervous people and lets them know it will be okay.  Now, I am encouraging the other people to take some ownership over the newbies as well.  They say to me and to each other “[Planner] is so great with the new people.”

The trainer thanked me afterwards for helping people feel so included, but everyone forgets I had a leg up when I started: BFD.  Though he was not there until class started, I knew what to expect and I had the confidence to arrive early, walk up to the instructor, stick out my hand and say, “Hi, I’m new!”  The instructor’s SO took me under his wing, and the instructor and BFD were so welcoming to me that I’ve felt included since the beginning.  I have been one of the cool kids, obviously, but I stand very much on my own.  In fact, BFD often has to approach me to interrupt when I am speaking to other people.  Though I did make my own way, BFD absolutely smoothed the road for me, so I feel a responsibility to reach out to other new people.

So, when we’re there, I have a big smile on my face, I speak to the people around me, and I do everything with enthusiasm.  I am not good at it.  At all.  But I am a great representative of it.

As I result of my obsession with the workout, I look amazing.  I have an eating disorder, so I have no idea how I actually look to other people.  I only know how I look to myself, which is on the thin side of average, but not thin-thin.  But I know that I look the best I have looked, perhaps ever.  Flat stomach, great posture, well-defined legs.  Everything is long and lean.  As my friend told me on Tuesday, “you have the body of a dancer.”  I don’t, but I look really good.

As I walked to the workout this afternoon, I passed by a boutique that always has the most amazing dresses . . . and they had new stuff in the window.  So, I walked in.

I mean, I loooooove dresses, so tearing through racks, looking for new things is not unusual for me.  The dress I wanted to see had not been tried on by anyone.  The owner was excited to see it on.  It . . . was not as nice as a similar dress I already have.  We went through the rack together and she pulled some cute things.

Then she found a perfect dress.  We were chatting about skirts and volume, etc., so she knew what I loved, and she pulled the perfect dress.

It was a little short.  I am sensitive to the cellulite on my thighs, but it was just gorgeous, the dress.  I sat down in it and it was okay, if a little short for someone my age.

Also, $300, which I did not notice until after I fell in love with it.

While I was swanning around the empty boutique, the owner turned to me and said, ” you have a great body.”  She was stunning — thin, fit, tan, blonde.  Sure, she was trying to sell me a dress, though not hard, but what a great compliment.

The thing is, I do have a great body.  I am working so hard to have the body I’ve always wanted to have.  I have definition and shape in my arms and chest.  My butt is higher and tighter.  My legs look great.  I carefully (some may say obsessively) watch my diet.

Now that I accept that i look great, I am approaching the world with a different level of confidence.  I own rooms when I enter them.  I am aware again of the control I have.

But when I speak with people, it’s surprising how warm and affectionate I am.

====> Brief BFD Update

He called me just as the workout ended, after 5 days away.  I stood outside and spoke with the trainer and a couple of women for a while, and called him later, wondering if he were actually downtown.  He was not.  He was home so we spoke for a few minutes, and he was cranky.  I told him I’d call him when I got home.

When we spoke tonight, it was at first mostly business.  In fact, we negotiated our deal and it’s generous: 5% cash and 5% equity, plus I am the bank.  Industry standard would be 3-5% with no equity.  Also, he wants me to bid to do the lawyer stuff.  He paid his current lawyer $30k, which is ridiculous, for the equivalent of 5 meetings and a secretary doing “find and replace” on forms.  It’s maybe 10 hours of work, even with negotiations.  I will quote him $10k.  If he were still my boyfriend-boyfriend, I might do it for free, or $5k, but he’s not and he wants it to be business between us for that part.

That completed, we transitioned into social and agreed we’d not see each other this weekend.  Well, he stated, I acknowledged.  “These two weeks are really bad . . .” but it will be better soon.

He was sweet and said we’d talk on Friday, but I did not believe him.