Things with BFD have been bad for a while. He’s withdrawn from our relationship and I am aggravated and aggrieved.
In response, I have been shutting down emotionally and making plans to move on.
I have been worried that by sticking with BFD for so long, I may have missed the opportunity to be with someone great.
I have mentioned a few times that I literally have a waiting list of men who want to date me. Men who want to date me are very explicit about it. In general, they are overwhelmingly confident and strong and move through the world like they own it. It’s a source of amusement that they are all the same. I mean, there are other men floating around, but they rarely step up — or I don’t notice them. It goes back to the Alternate Reality’s comment about the men who want to date me — I am strong, assured (and vain) woman, so I am viewed as a challenge to strong, assured men. He said it takes a very specific man to have the enough confidence to approach me, “sadly, for you, that man is typically an asshole.”
Eight months ago, I met someone randomly at a bar, while awaiting some clients. I called him LP because he is a partner in a law firm. I am very clever.
Here was our first meeting:
I was alone, waiting for some clients, and LP walked past, stopped, and came back to say, “I think you’re beautiful and I just had to tell you.” He asked to sit, so I let him. We talked, and realized how much we had in common. He interrupted himself from time to time to tell me how hot I am, how stunning, how beautiful. He asked if I had a boyfriend. I described BFD as someone I am “dating.” I said, eh, I am seeing someone, but it’s hard. So, he asked me out. He said he did not want to interfere with my relationship with BFD, asked BFD’s name, blah, blah, blah. I was not drinking. At all. The guy was very cool, we had a lot in common and I would be interested in having us become friends. He wants to date me. He was relatively aggressive about it, but not in a bad way. Just in a “I think you’re incredibly hot and I want to take you on a date and if it goes well I am going to kiss you” way. He let me know he’s successful. He is a partner at an internationally prominent law firm, with a beyond impressive resume. I was not flirtatious with him in any way. I was nice, but aloof, which only seemed to encourage him.
He called, texted, and emailed until I shut him down hard the next morning. Two months later, I got an email and then a call from him because he’d been talking to a friend about this amazing woman he’d met and his friend said, just take a shot and call her. I shut him down again and he reiterated that I should call him when I am single. It was so insignificant, I did not even mention it here. Things with BFD were great then and LP was barely blip on my radar.
This weekend, though, I thought about him again. There was a definite something there, although he came on a little too strongly for my taste, and then dropped me altogether, though he was someone I would have wanted to be friends with.
On a whim, I emailed him this afternoon to say:
I was sitting with a girlfriend at the [sports bar] on Saturday, discussing how you meet good men in [town].
I told her: just sit on the patio at the [upscale lounge].
How are you doing?
Cute, but noncommittal. I mean, it had been 6 months. I replied back to our previous email exchange which had both February and April messages, in case he didn’t know who I was.
And then I waited.
I was nervous. And I heard nothing in return. I googled him and began truly beating myself up about it — he was better looking than I’d remembered (and I’d remembered him being cute), and actually cooler.
Two hours later, I started sweating it out and called my best friend W for advice, who said, you should have just called him. I sent him LP’s bio while we were talking and W began berating me: “He’s perfect! Good looking guy, very smart, very impressive . . .why didn’t you go out with him?” I told him I was dating BFD. “Yeah, you should have gone out with this guy, he’s perfect for you.”
Yeah, well, I was in love and the sex was amazing and whatever.
Now, however, I am kicking my own ass for missing out on a chance with LP.
W and I disconnected and I finished getting ready for the party I would soon be attending with W. I promised I’d call him and we’d debated cell or office. Office meant secretary screening, but he’d called me from the office the last time.
As I was thinking about which number, LP emailed me back: “Hah. How nice to hear from you. Just landed at [east coast airport].”
Over the next 30 minutes, we exchanged 6 emails. He immediately asked how I was and if I were still seeing the same man. I told him I was not, so he immediately said “Well then maybe we should have dinner? :)” I responded: “I think that sounds like an excellent idea. I am off to [the party at a great restaurant]. Let’s talk later.”
He responded back, but I did not forward his email to my phone, so I did not get it until I got home. He asked for my number again . . . and sent me a photo of himself. He was more handsome than I had remembered. It was so cool, and I emailed him a bit effusively. He asked for a photo, so I sent my profile pic and two from the wedding — one with my aunt and mother and one with a cousin. My mother and aunt are beautiful women, aging beautifully.
I asked if I were the woman he remembered: “Yes exactly – the woman I remember – elegant, attractive, sexy.” I know, but that’s swoon-worthy in my book.
Over the next forty minutes, we exchanged more email. Half an hour after that, midnight on the east coast, he called me, sleepily from bed. This is the first time we’d spoken since April. He told me again how excited he is to see me and how happy he was that I reached out, and was now available.
He wanted me to know he’d been thinking about me since we met, and he was incredibly attracted to me — and wanted to be my friend — but he wanted to give my relationship a chance to work since he did not feel he’d be able to conceal his feelings. It was all a little overwhelming and for the first few minutes, I just listened until I burbled about how I’d been thinking about him and wanted to reconnect, etc.
We made a date for Saturday and we’re both very excited about it.
I set a firm line letting him know my expectations and he’s happy to agree: I think I actually said, “consider me southern,” meaning, dude, I am not sleeping with you on the first date. I wished him luck in court the next morning and said we’d speak before Saturday. He laughed and said “of course we will,” and I realized right, of course we will. I think I will be speaking with him daily because that’s the kind of guy he is.
It puts in stark relief what I allowed BFD to get away with. I still miss him. I still love him, but I don’t like him very much right now.
I have no idea what will happen with LP — or with N with whom I am also speaking — or with BFD, for that matter — but, it’s really positive for me to start dating and to see what I want.
Today was a happy day . . . I reconnected with someone I really like and went to a fabulous party and met great people.
Success all around.