Last night was my first date with LP.

We essentially had a 6 month relationship over the course of 5 or 6 hours. We fought, we made up, we withdrew, we connected, we called each other out on our bullshit, and I have no idea now, 12 hours after I arrived home, how I really feel or what I really want. Which both is and is not true.

Which is actually the whole point.


Thanks to the date, I have a fucking migraine, could not sleep, and all I want to do is be with him forever — which terrifies me and him and is more about me than about him. He knows me, intensely. He wants me, intensely. He actually loves me/the idea of me, intensely. I actually love him/the idea of him, intensely.

I have no idea where we go or what we do from here.

My instinct is to run to and away from him. My instinct is to throw every single defense mechanism up and withstand the coming storm. My instinct is to drop my guard completely and love him.

He knows me and my darkness. He sees the fake and insincere bullshit I do. He is the same, but better at it. He is manipulative and domineering and the reality of who he is and what he wants is and is not true and is and is not here and is and is not terrifying and is and is not enthralling.

I am actually scared (of him and how I feel about him) and I want to spend every moment of every day with him for the rest of my life, knowing that he could make or destroy me. I want to make and destroy him. It is the most and least healthy relationship I’ve even considered and I want and fear it.

I literally have no idea what to do. My normal behaviors will not work here. My game will not work on him. He sees me and sees through me and we are scared.

He is scared, too, because it’s all so real and we don’t want to screw it up.

Which is and is not true.