I am awake early (for me) on a Wednesday morning. I am in pain — mostly physical, but I have some heart pain this morning, too.

Last night, I went downtown for my workout with BFD. I knew he would not be there . . . he’s away on business (as usual). The workout was a little different, though, because it was being lead by the man who developed it. He and BFD are close and when he stopped doing the course during the week (now he only does it on the weekends), BFD offered him a lot of money to keep doing it during the week. The trainer turned him down, and the trainer and I laughed (along with his SO) that he is the only person who has told BFD no.

Which is probably very true.

We had a good 30 minutes to chat — the trainer, his SO, and me. They were more inquisitive about BFD and me than normal. I am open to falling in love with someone else, so I am not exactly into managing BFD’s public image as carefully as I have in the past.

[Background] Essentially, BFD and I work out with a group of people regularly. He is also on the board of the place now. He has been the proponent of this workout and has put a lot of money into its promotion and expansion. He is known to all here, as the trainer reminded me, as a wonderful, kind, generous man. (Yes, and a truly terrible boyfriend, but whatever.) [/Background]

They talked to me about him, about me (including an unbelievable amount of compliments about how great I look, which coming from the man who rebuilt my body and had not seen it in weeks . . . extremely awesome), and asked, innocently, how I know him. They ask the first question everyone asks: “do you work with him?” (This is a man who is known for only working — and working out.) I answered no, so they asked, hoping they know the answer: “so, how do you know him?”

I was both not thinking and not caring, and the words just came out. We’d been dancing around it, literally, for months, and it’s been obvious to most people that we’re dating, but they don’t know how to ask. (And they would never ask him.)

I said, “I was dating him.” Two words stuck out of course (was and dating) and I tried to walk it back, but not that hard, while simultaneously calculating exactly how furious BFD was going to be and how little I actually cared anymore.

I mentioned that I had been mentioned at that (in)famous dinner and that BFD’s friends were actually my friends. In other words, I walked it back and said, we’re still great friends, etc., but yeah, BFD will be pissed. I outed us officially and that it was over. That second thing is not necessarily true in BFD’s eyes, or at least was not necessarily true. He will be displeased regardless.

And I am a little embarrassed, but I also don’t really care all that much.

The workout itself — I am still suffering this morning. A lot. My back is tight, my thighs hurt, my abs hurt when I breathe. It was rough. It was awesome.

I was tempted to text LP after I finished, but he was with the kid and I did not want to interrupt Daddy time. Still, I wanted him to know that the body he loves so much comes as the result of significant freaking pain.

Instead, I headed off towards our “Cheers,” as rain started to fall. I was sans umbrella or even an awning. I called W, with whom I was supposed to have dinner, and he had just gotten into his car, so he drove the 3 blocks and picked me up. We skipped Cheers and went to a divey Mexican joint we truly love. I told him what I had done regarding BFD and the trainer and he was shocked. W asked: “do you ever think he’ll speak to you again?” I told him I did not know, but I was just being honest and he was my boyfriend and I just don’t care anymore.

We spoke a little about LP, who is an interesting guy. Unfortunately, I had told W about the intensity of the first date while still processing it, so he’s a little concerned about the relationship possibilities. He’s less concerned now after The Sick Bed gave us some context.

My three male best friends (JerkFace, W, and E) view me as their sister, so they are extremely protective of me. They also view me asexually, which is amusing since I had a long-term “fwb” status with E after W and I split up. W is mildly obsessed with why these attractive, successful, smart men want to date me. Like he is trying to wrap his mind around it and it does not make sense to him. I finally said . . . uh, I am actually considered kinda hot. I told him a compliment I had received from both BFD and LP (and N and BP recently for that matter) and he said, shocked, “really???” Yes, W, really.

I am surprised by how much I miss LP. Last week was so intense that having him ill and extremely work-distracted is difficult. We’re still in an uncertain place. I saw him 3 consecutive days, but we’ve not made a date for this week. I am massively pms-ing, but that’s hard. I have a ton of parties to attend and lots of events around town and I would love for him to be my date to at least some of this stuff.

With BFD, I let him call all the shots, which is not my usual m.o., and intentionally withheld invitations, selecting very specific things, and over time, withholding pretty much everything. I am trying not to do that here, but I also don’t want to overwhelm LP. Then again, his dance card is always full, too, plus he has joint custody.

It’s hard to think about dating someone new, especially when I am not completely over my relationship with BFD. (I am over him, but there are still lingering issues to sort.) I am trying very hard to be true to who I am and to not settle for less than I deserve. LP could be wonderful or could be disastrous. We just need to find that balance of communication and visibility and work out the relationshippy stuff.

Assuming he asks me out again . . . but since The Sick Bed, it’s felt like a slowly building relationship. Besides, he really wants to sleep with me.

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