It’s been under a month and I am crazy about LP. To the point of being slightly obsessed with him. When I am with him, I am happy. When I think about him, I am happy. When I see a picture of him, I am happy. (I have one open on my screen now, which he sent in response to our flurry of reconnection emails.)
He is a lovely man — warm, passionate, brilliant, sensitive. I think he’s handsome — I don’t know that he is, but he is to me. I am beautiful to him and when we are together, we are basking the the warmth and glow of a surprisingly wonderful connection on a physical and emotional level.
We have a physical connection that is stronger than sex, which we’re not yet having. When we are together — in the car or in a restaurant or wherever — I caress the back of his neck. And he melts. Every time. It is an obvious thing to me, a tender way to touch him. It’s completely nonsexual, but he just melts into me because it is incredibly loving and affectionate. I started doing it when he was driving, as a way of touching him that was not like his thigh or his hand that should be on the wheel. His reaction was so wonderful that I have kept doing it.
How people like to be touched (or not) says so much about them and he loves to be touched, loves to snuggle in to me, and loves to kiss me. Whenever we’re together, we are touching each other, turned toward each other, and ignoring the rest of the world.
We are trying to not fall hard to fast, to get to know each other first.
Plus, I have three lingering doubts/fears that he is not capable of being who I need him to be:
— that his warm openness is a feint to draw me in but that he’s actually cold
— that he is not ready to settle down again so soon after the end of his marriage
— that he might not want to have another child
None of them are unreasonable. We are older, we are damaged, and there are issues. His situation with his ex is difficult because of their child and the fact that he has a child means we have scheduling problems, but it also means he knows exactly who he is and exactly what he wants. So far, he wants and needs me, which is a little mind-blowing.
I am struggling to keep perspective, but he is more than I thought existed, more than I thought I wanted, more than I thought I could have.
He is passionate and manipulative and tender and dark and light and warm and obsessive and present and withdrawn and this amazing array of characteristics that make me want to spend the rest of my life with my hand stroking the back of his neck, snuggled into his body in bed, and kissing him.
It scares me to think of how easily I could slip into his life. I am already thinking of meals I want to cook for him. I can see mornings in his beautiful light-filled room, drinking coffee while he gets ready for work. Which is kinda cheating since we’ve done that.
He has issues. Big issues.
He also has challenges with his ex. I wish I could tell you who he is and who she is and why it’s all so potentially awful, but trust me here, if our relationship becomes serious (i.e., I meet the kid), there will be drama and it will be ugly and public. She’s famous in our world, an oversharer on twitter, a beautiful charismatic narcissist who is used to having her own way and having LP smooth her path, while denying him credit for the same. Having her be so public with everything adds a whole other layer. There is no easy move for us. I am not her, I don’t play on her field, but I am significantly younger than she (and 4 years younger than he), and there will be issues. His marriage with her was very public. It identifies him in a way, it’s a short-hand that indicates he’s a little more interesting than your average bear. Hell, even I reference her when describing him to my friends . . . literally everyone does it, even he did when I met him for the first time, although it was to offset the result when I googled him and saw a then-current magazine article (which he also mentioned) referencing what a loving wife she is to him and all these photos of their family together, though they’d split 5 months earlier. It has been an important part of her public persona to be successful in her field and have the perfect marriage to a younger man and a child. Everything written about her for the past 7 years talks about her wonderful husband and their whirlwind courtship and it’s disturbing to know all of these things from her perspective. My friends know about their courtship and marriage. I was chatting with one of my girlfriends from school who now lives here and when I mentioned what she did, my friend named her immediately, with an oh my god oh my god oh my god! Yeah, awesome.
So we do have this specter of his ex hanging over our heads and their kid and the fact I am not her, which probably makes him a little less interesting, but much much happier.
Plus, my ex and I are not completely over, and we, like, they, have an ongoing interaction thought it’s business and not personal, aside from the fact that BFD is re-wooing me. Then we have BP in the mix and I certainly bring my own weirdness to our new relationship.
I like to think we’re keeping it quiet but we’re not. We are publicly together in town, kissing in restaurants, holding hands on the street. We are not being discreet.
They are very much done, but they still have to interact nearly daily thanks to their bizarre custody situation which leaves the kid moving back and forth almost every other day, although LP’s been without her for days under the crushing weight of work he has to accomplish by next Thursday. (It’s not just him, it’s dozens of lawyers at his firm, but he’s lead counsel and it’s his deal.)
She wants him back. She tells everyone this. He left her after being miserable for years, for a chance to be happy. Knowing it would damage his kid, he still chose to leave. Because the kid is the most important thing in his life and being a great father to her is the most important thing in his life, that he left is a testament to how bad it was.
He told me his therapist said he could not have found anyone than her who was less perfectly suited to make him happy. She was everything wrong for him and he was miserable and bitter and angry.
I know all of this. I have known all of this since he approached me last February. Frankly, it scared me a bit when we met, this handsome, complicated man with all of this baggage.
It’s difficult because I know it’s not a simple matter to fall for him. He’s complicated. He’s complicating. My life with him will have weirdness and drama that has nothing to do with us, in addition to our own stuff.
I am going into this as I told him I would — eyes open, heart open, and arms open. He is amazing, and he is amazed by me, that I exist in the world — someone he cares for who cares for him, someone he can talk to who understands, someone who could love all the light and dark places, someone with whom he can be sensual and intellectual and playful.
We have acknowledged from the beginning that this is real and it is so real it’s scary.
On our actual first date, he told me horrific things, he scared me intentionally, to see if I would leave, to see if I would flinch. Instead, I do what I have done with him: I literally and figuratively embraced him. I have told him about my complications — my poverty, my ongoing business and personal relationships with my exes, who also want me back, but on their terms, and my damage.
We were both starved for attention and affection, having been with extremely narcissistic partners. We look at each other and see a depth of everything that we had been missing.
Since we reconnected, the song often playing in my head is an acoustic cover of Mario’s “Let Me Love You.” The chorus is:
You should let me love you
Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need
Baby good love and protection
Make me your selection
Show you the way love’s supposed to be
Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you
Yes, it’s completely on the nose, but it’s lovely, especially as sung by Charlotte Church, of all people.
So, I am standing on the precipice, knowing I am going to fall for him, afraid of the damage that awaits, by buoyed by the loving manner in which he embraces me. I am scared, but amazed he exists and that we found each other, that we persisted and never forgot each other, and that he is here in my life, holding my hand, and melting under my touch.