I have stopped posting every day for no good reason except that I am boring, busy, and giddily involved in a new relationship where we’re being adorable for no good reason.
I mean, how interesting would “googled LP again, he’s even cooler than I thought” be? Okay, maybe a little interesting . . .
I am dealing with BFD-related fallout from my friends, who are “supportively” reminding me “We like him, we just don’t like him with you.” Except they don’t like him. They don’t even know him. They like the idea of him because he’s cool and a big fucking deal. He only existed for them because of me. BFD is a good person — he is kind and generous — he’s just a terrible boyfriend who is almost pathologically ill-suited for me.
He’s what I thought I wanted and the fact that he loved me — and frankly still does, in his way — meant something to me. But the fact remains that he was terrible for me and I was terrible for him. It’s okay and it happens. We should have been happy together. We had some things in common, we’re smart and cultured, we shared philanthropic passions, we had energetic, great sex. It wasn’t enough. It could never have been enough.
Relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. Since I am a serial monogamist in long relationships, I always tell my friends that you have to spend the first few months learning to speak the same language, knowing that when he says “X” he actually means “I hated when my mother did that and it’s making me stabby.”
BFD and I knew each other well in some important ways, but there were so many gaps on a purely day-to-day level, and yet we knew each other that way, too. It’s easy to dismiss what we had. JerkFace loves to refer to it as “my friendship” with BFD. Because JerkFace is an AssHole. I refuse to play that game — we cared for each other, we loved each other, we took care of each other in small ways, and we enjoyed our time together. We were still ill-suited for each other and my hope is that BFD will find someone who will make him happy, who will embrace his quirks and idiosyncrasies, and who will be more confident in telling him “no.”
I rarely felt like myself with him. I was frustrated that he did not know me as successful and confident. When he saw me that way, it was amazing, but I was withdrawn and tentative with him, which is not how I am.
(Yes, you all knew this all along. And I adore you for it.)
I kept hoping that if I did what I was supposed to, if my deal closed, then it would shift the balance of power. And it might have. But the lingering doubt in my head was that it still wasn’t right . . . that I was bored, which is the kiss of death for me. And I was bored.
The main thing I look for in a partner is really someone I find interesting. I stayed with A for years because he was smart and funny and had such a unique perspective. He’s also a guru, really, and fascinating. I still love hanging out and talking to him and we’ve known each other nearly a decade.
That is a very high bar for a new person. Interesting and able to hold my attention.
I am not certain that LP will be able to hold my attention long-term, but we had an extremely intense conversation on the Thursday night of that first week. It was fascinating and exhilarating to connect with him intellectually, though he is much smarter than I am. I mentioned one of my areas of philosophic interest . . . he had written on it for publication. Of course. It’s obscure and it’s a particular interest for us both, which is extremely cool.
LP and I have expressed some amused frustration that it took us so long to reconnect. We are wistful about missed opportunities, etc., but as I remind him, we would not have been ready. Truly, I was not ready until the moment I knew I had to call him. I credit JFG (JerkFace’s Girlfriend) for finally kicking my ass when I was most receptive to it and telling me “you deserve to be happy!” Right! I do! But I was not there before. As soon as she said that and I acknowledged how deeply unhappy I was and that I deserved more, I thought about LP. No matter how wonderful it would have been to have been with him during the festival or at a dinner or for my birthday or at my cousin’s wedding, we were not ready for each other.
I often jump from relationship to relationship. I am rarely single, and, if I am single, I have a close friend who escorts me places and takes me to dinner. Yeah, I know. Even now that I am dating LP, I still have N escorting me to cultural stuff, W taking me to dinners and parties, and BP being BP.
This feels different. He’s very involved and present. He’s very warm and open.
I am enjoying this feeling of overwhelming happiness. I am not overthinking it. I am, instead, trusting how I feel. Trusting him. Trusting my instincts.