That’s what LP called me tonight as we wrapped up a short, intense call. We have not spoken in over a week and we’ve been texting sporadically while he’s been working so much.
This evening, I had begun to get irritated, and I started to think about dating and whether I would tell people I were available and whether I’d see BFD again.
In short, I was being spoiled and cranky.
Around 1115, I was in bed, on the computer thinking through my very strange days when I got a text from LP that he was home, which was a surprise (to me).
He had pulled an all-nighter last night, out of town, and flew back tonight from the east coast, a long trip. He texted when he he got home, after he crawled into bed, thinking about me. Of course.
I was still up, so we texted for 15 minutes, driving each other to distraction, then a 6:30 minute call. We are nothing, if not efficient. I love to hear his voice, to hear him breathing, to know that he loves my “beautiful face” and how I kiss.
Lying here in the dark, I listened to him tell me his plans for when we are actually together again. I asked him something specific, and he said, “anything you want, I will do.” And he means it. I know he wants to make me happy. I want to make him happy.
We have not yet had sex. We have really not come close to having sex, but now after 5 weeks, we cannot wait to at least begin moving down that path.
As we were wrapping up the call, we just wanted so desperately to reach out to touch each other, separated by a whole three miles. He was completely exhausted, but I was tempted to say, put your jammies on and pick me up. Let me spend the night with you. But I didn’t.
Instead we talked calendar — he has to find out when he has the kid (and said, since it was then 1130, that it was too late to call) — and just luxuriated in the sound of the other’s voice and breathing. I told him how much I missed him and how I’d not reached out, knowing how busy he’d been. He was grateful for my thoughtfulness. We called each other sweetie and just paused and breathed in and out and listened to the other, talking about how much we can’t wait to see each other. He told me that he loved just getting a drink with me, just hanging out. I reminded him how much I loved falling asleep in his arms.
It’s late and I am tired so I can’t remember the transition, but he called me “my love,” and it hung there briefly, but we smiled into it. There was no real tension to it, but he was tired and it slipped out. We’re not there yet, but we will be. It felt natural and organic, almost more than him calling me by my full first name earlier.
Even after we said our final good night, we kept the line open for a few seconds. I need that connection. I missed his voice, I missed how I feel when we’re connected. I missed his intensity.
I have been so confident about our connection since we met.. Since we reconnected. Since we began actually seeing each other.
It’s scary for me to trust my instinct, but it feels solid and true and real and serious. He knows it, too. We agreed to be open and honest, despite how very scary it is to be that vulnerable.
This week, our relationship will be changing at least slightly. We will become physically intimate.
We are both grammar nerds and we are often texting, which we can do no matter what calls we’re on or meetings we are in. I have often teased him about using the conditional mood instead of the future tense: “I could do …” “I would do …” I always speak to him in future tense: “I will see you tonight” “I will kiss you”
We are still early in this, still figuring it all out, but I know we will get closer and we will continue to enjoy each other.