I know no one wants to hear my laments about LP, but I am so devastated about his absence.  He’s texted me sporadically, but I am convinced he’s gone-gone.   And I am devastated.  Everywhere I look, I see his face.

I should be handling this better, but I am truly crazy about him and his disappearance was so abrupt.  We went from “My Love” to cancelled plans to silence.

I have tried to be true to the spirit in which we entered into everything, which means touching base every few days, but it’s painful all the time to know that he’s not here.

He’s having work issues and family issues, and I know he can’t be with me now.  But because we’re having timing issues, it’s just killing me.

I am powerless to fix it.  Instead, I just miss him all the time.  I miss the future we were planning, the sex we never had.

It’s been a month since we spoke at length and made plans. Over a month since I sat next to him at a bar when we talked and kissed. It’s hard to believe he’s gone. Frankly, I don’t believe he’s gone. Sure, in that month I have been dating BFD again, and LP has been missing, but I still can’t believe he’s truly gone.

So everywhere I look, I see him in the faces of people around me.  Every day, I am heartbroken.  It hurts so much, this emptiness.

I am trying to move on.  I am dating BFD and at times I am very happy with him.  I am talking to N again, although I don’t know that I will date him again.  I am even telling my friends that I am single and only dating BFD.  In fact, JerkFace and I had an interesting talk late tonight after dinner with E to talk about W and his situation.  I said, look, if you know anyone, let me know.  He said, everyone I think about introducing you to — they’re too boring for you.  I argued, but he held firm.  He wants me to date someone “normal,” but he knows me well enough to know that boring is something that cannot be overcome.

I am also dealing with the reality that N might have been the right guy for me all along, but now it’s too late to go back.  Probably.

But all of this shit . . .this is just distraction.  The reality is that I am heartbroken over LP.  My Girl Trainer GT said to me tonight after our workout — if you ever need to talk about BFD, now that I know, if you need a girl to talk to, I am here.  It was incredibly sweet, and I said, actually, we’re having a bad day — which we are.  But the truth I knew even then is that if I wanted to share heartache and heartbreak, it would not be about BFD, it would be about a man for whom I was falling hard who has virtually disappeared from my life.  That’s what I need to talk about.

I need to move on, but I just can’t help but hold out a small hope that when he’s back in town, we can reconcile, but I know in my heart, my broken heart, that we’re done.