I am still mostly single — still dating a man who is mostly unavailable and falling for a different one who is mostly unavailable.

I am still poor, although less than last year, which was the single most terrifying year of my life. I learned a lot about myself, my friends, the men in my life (all 5 of them — A, BP, N, BFD, and LP — not in order of importance), and I had to come to grips with the fact that I already met, and loved, and essentially married the love of my life and I need to move on to a healthier relationship.

My biggest fear in 2009 was taking action and making commitments. I undermined my relationship with BFD as a result, although to be fair, this is the same man who sent me this text on NYE in response to my “best wishes for . . . great joy and continued success in everything you do”: “You be a part of it. No excuses. No failure.” Ah, BFD, had only you stopped at the first sentiment. Alas, he could not. I know what he means because I know who he is. He wants me to be a part of his future and until I prove myself, I cannot be his life partner in the way we both think we would want.

Now that I know how much I actually want, I don’t know that BFD could be the right partner for me. He’s not open enough, he’s not affectionate enough, and frankly, he’s not sexually driven enough. All things we could perhaps overcome with time and talking, but right now, no.

This afternoon, I called him.  We spoke for a while, he answered while he was still away (which he rarely does), asking about my holiday and complaining about his. It was warm, actually, quite cordial, in fact. Fulfilling my promise to myself, I am being more active — so I said, hey, I want to go see this movie, are you available? He declined, as he’d taken his parents when he was with them, and said he’d be coming back tonight, but working, as he’d not worked in two weeks.

He reminded me with affection: “work comes first, honey.” I said, yes, sweetheart, I know. And it does. But it also doesn’t. BFD comes first would have been more accurate, but he doesn’t think of it that way. So, we discussed perhaps getting together tonight or tomorrow night, but I know him and I know I won’t see him before our dinner meeting on Wednesday. It’s okay, it’s who BFD is. I love him, but from afar.

I texted LP early to ask if he were available for lunch. No response. Called him mid-afternoon. No answer. Heard from him warmly on NYE, but his lack of response today means he’s with his kid. His life is out of balance and I am a part of the least important part — his life. Someday soon, he’ll figure this all out. For now, I am extremely lonely, so I am much less interested in waiting. I am also going to continue to reach out, though it pains me often.

My promise to myself is to reach out when I am lonely, to connect when I feel disconnected, and to act and choose.  I waited and pondered and fretted and considered last year.  My reaching out to LP was the first step in my journey back – seizing the reins and taking control of my own life.  I need to keep that up, to keep pushing to be happy, and to refuse to settle for less.

It will not be easy, it never is, but I have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing.

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