I’ve been all mopey today because I really thought I would be seeing LP this week. I have not.

Last late Tuesday/early Wednesday, we’d made concrete plans to see each other as soon as he was back in town (estimated to be Saturday or Tuesday, depending upon his meetings), to spend the night together, and to finally (finally!) have sex. Finally.

We had a long, detailed conversation about it, and I left it feeling warm and loved and very excited about seeing him when he returned.

The weekend passed without a word, but I know what he’s doing and I have become used to his need to grind through work, sleep for 3 hours, and keep grinding. Were he a lesser light, I would say what he is doing is career-making. But it isn’t because he’s already made — brilliant, wildly successful, widely respected by peers, partners, and clients. He’s remarkable and has been for a very long time, even though he’s still in his early 40s. Anyway, I know how he works and, though I don’t like his withdrawals, I get it.

Still, I thought, he’ll be back on Tuesday, see his kid, and then Wednesday, tonight, we’d be together.

Today, I’d heard nothing. I had no idea where he was or if he were back. I had a feeling he wasn’t.

I still check in on his oversharing ex’s twitter feed because it gives me a good sense for where he is by what she talks about. Don’t judge me, she’s the idiot who tweets about everything.  I am just the idiot who chooses to read it, and it often causes me more pain than comfort.  It amuses me to see how much of her public persona is wrapped up in her “marriage.”  After she pulled the shit with the holidays (taking the kid on vacation and forcing him to go if he wanted to see the kid when he was not working), she has again begun acknowledging that she’s actually single.  I will give her credit, she has tried everything she could (so far) to get him back.

Though I understand we never know what goes on in someone else’s relationship, I have a pretty good idea what has been happening and her last ditch efforts after she realized he had someone significant in his life.  She took it too far and embittered him even more.

Anyway . . .

I was not certain that he was in town as of yesterday. It seemed as if he were not and he was silent.

This evening, I could not stop thinking about him. BP, who considers himself my manager, best friend, ex-boyfriend, and future boyfriend, started in last night with his opinion that LP is the guy I should be with, not BFD. Now that he’s met BFD, he is convinced that LP and I look better together, that my being with LP makes more sense, despite BFD’s wealth and hotness.  BP likes the image balance with LP (ethnicity, education, style, profession) better than BFD, and I think he’s convinced LP makes me happier.  He likes really BFD, he just says he’s not the right guy for me long-term.  I had to hear this last night and again this morning. All I could think was, ugh, I can’t be with LP because he disappointed me yet again.

I wrote this earlier this evening:

I really thought that this time, when he said, we’ll be together as soon as I am back (Saturday or Monday), that he meant it.  It felt like he meant it. I felt so warm and loved and giddy and it felt back on track.  And, yet, it’s now Wednesday and I have no plans to see him.

Every single time, it hurts. Every single time, I tell myself that it’s okay, I am moving on, we’ll just be friends, and every single fucking time he does something sweet and I relent and then I get hurt again.

I cannot stop thinking about him. I think I actually love him and it kills me that we’re apart. I think about all the things we said last Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. How intimate, how loving. Then I get confused. How can we go from I can’t wait to fuck you [like this] to silence. Again.

It just aches and hurts this emptiness without him. I am replacing him. I am probably reconciling with BFD. And yet, I cannot stop thinking about him and it’s torture.

I just can’t do this to myself anymore. I have to stop. I have to let him go, but I can’t.

I have gone out on dates, trolled ehm, accepted every invite offered only to get me away from this gnawing pain, this grief, this feeling in my chest. And yet, nothing matters. It hurts. It hurts every single time.

And it does.  It hurts every single time.

Rather than do nothing, I called him (he NEVER answers) and followed up with text to just say, “just realized i’ve not spoken to you for a week. are you okay?”  I wanted it to be about him, not about me.  Not, I miss you so much, but how are you?

I finally got a response 2 hours later at 1117 pm and it was not what I was expecting: “I am in [city] for work. In [venue] all week. Need to sleep.”  This is not good, for him personally.  It means something went awry last week.  I know how hard he’s working, how big a deal this is.  They should have wrapped the [city] party last Thursday, putting him on the other coast and then back here.  That he’s there?  Very bad news.  Because of what he does specifically, every trip is make or break.  He has to bat 1.000 all the time or his client loses not just that battle but the war (which is currently employing hundreds of people on his side of the table).  It’s very simple, really.  So far, for a year, in every venue, he’s won.

I worry about him because this level of activity is not sustainable.  He does not sleep, he works around the clock every single day (unless he’s has the kid, and even then, the kid is often with him at the office).  He has yet to buy furniture for a house he’s been in for 3 months; he still only has the stuff from his last two lofts, which is sofa, ridiculous television, credenza for ridiculous television, art work, bed.  He has a box for a night stand.

I should have known he was gone still because he is trying.  He’s not trying hard, but in his mind, we’re not far apart.  I think he would be surprised — and disappointed — if he knew I were dating BFD again and other random people.

The longer he’s gone, the more likely it is I will continue to move on from him, which means our interactions will continue to be awkward when we do see each other.

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