This morning, I received a ton of text messages from different people about the cold, sleety, rainy weather, and advising me to stay warm and dry (Nice Guy, BFD, etc.). On a whim, I shot a similar message to LP: “[LP], wherever you are in the world, i hope you’re staying warm and dry! [The Planner]” When it’s been a little while, I use his name and mine in the texts. No, I don’t know why.
What I heard in response, eight minutes later, shocked me and saddened me:
“Thanks! Back in [town] for a [illegible] before heading back east for my [work], which starts tuesday […]. Liked your hair by the way :)”
Seriously, what. the. fuck.
Sooooo, he’s here, and said nothing?
Rewind to yesterday . . . my google buzz arrives in my gmail. I log on excitedly because I am a beta-testing geek that way (even though it’s not beta), and I see I have a single follower: LP. Huh? . . . . But, it’s kinda cool to know he’ll be following me, for whatever that means. I’d taken pictures the night before when I’d gotten my hair done, and I thought about posting them on buzz, as I’d already privated everything. Instead, I emailed him. Heard no response.
This morning, I sent the weather-ish text and heard he’s here. I had no idea what to say. I mean, really, what do you say? I tried to delicately craft a response, but I could not say what I wanted to say, which is I miss you, the mere thought of your name makes me cry, and I have to shut this down because I can’t live like this, but I have to remain open to you because I cannot imagine letting go of this hope that we could reconcile and be together.
Fucked up, I know.
So, I had tears rolling down my cheeks, wondering if this is the time I shut it down definitely, putting it into friend zone and past tense. I thought of reminding him about our “anniversary” next week, when he approached me at the bar. I thought about being light, I thought about being serious, I thought about not responding. Ever.
Draft after draft, I wrote in 160 characters.
Three hours later, I made my choice: I went flirty. For me, I am happier when I treat him like a fantasy. We have often discussed that sex for us has often been a substitute for real intimacy. If I am fucking you well, you assume we’re close, when I am only sharing my body. BFD described the feeling of having sex with me as “waves of ecstasy washing over me,” but it’s corporeal for me. I am good in bed because I commit to it fully, but that has nothing to do with what’s going on in my brain.
I have made this choice regarding LP several times: he does not exist for me in real life, he is only a fantasy. As I fantasy, I can accept him being around . . . it’s light, it’s flirty, and we have great chemistry. He turns me on, I turn him on, and it’s fun.
My message to him: “Aw, thanks! I love sharing pics with you, even if they’re just at the salon. (You should see the ones I take for you, but don’t send…)” His response picked up the thread, first, a visceral approval, and second, “Well my [work] starts next week, and will go for over a month – so do send if ever inspired [….]” I mentioned that the series of photos I’d sent him 5 days ago, and about which he’d not responded, had been the start of a series of photos I took.
After many messages later, I told him, “You know, we should actually [have sex] at s0me point.” He responded with a message that softened me towards him: “After my [work] i hope to have time for pleasure, and you…you will love [being with] me more than you know”.
“… you will …”
We’re careful, even in text, to be very clear, to choose future when we mean future and conditional when we mean conditional.
I am obviously crazy about him. He’s been checking in regularly, traveling like crazy, and working his insane schedule. I am not angry I’ve not seen him when he’s dashed into town. Being together is intense and he’s not ready to be with me right now. I know this. I have known this.
He’s thinking about when he’s through with this project, that we will be together then.
I am not sitting idly by. I’ve been dating. I am completely celibate, though, and I have not kissed anyone I have been seeing. In fact the only person I’ve kissed since I last saw LP is BFD. The only people I have kissed in years have been LP and BFD.
I was prepared to move him into past tense, someone I was seeing, I used to date him until I got his message “. . . you will love [it] . . . ”
I am not making any decisions about anything or anyone right now, but I will see what happens when his project ends and he is back more often. My feelings for him are strong enough that I will wait before settling in, down, or for anyone else.