This morning, I received a ton of text messages from different people about the cold, sleety, rainy weather, and advising me to stay warm and dry (Nice Guy, BFD, etc.).  On a whim, I shot a similar message to LP: “[LP], wherever you are in the world, i hope you’re staying warm and dry! [The Planner]”  When it’s been a little while, I use his name and mine in the texts.  No, I don’t know why.

What I heard in response, eight minutes later, shocked me and saddened me:

“Thanks! Back in [town] for a [illegible] before heading back east for my [work], which starts tuesday […].  Liked your hair by the way :)”

Um wtf????

Seriously, what.  the.  fuck.

Sooooo, he’s here, and said nothing?

Rewind to yesterday . . . my google buzz arrives in my gmail.  I log on excitedly because I am a beta-testing geek that way (even though it’s not beta), and I see I have a single follower: LP.  Huh?  . . . . But, it’s kinda cool to know he’ll be following me, for whatever that means.  I’d taken pictures the night before when I’d gotten my hair done, and I thought about posting them on buzz, as I’d already privated everything.  Instead, I emailed him.  Heard no response.

This morning, I sent the weather-ish text and heard he’s here.  I had no idea what to say.  I mean, really, what do you say?  I tried to delicately craft a response, but I could not say what I wanted to say, which is I miss you, the mere thought of your name makes me cry, and I have to shut this down because I can’t live like this, but I have to remain open to you because I cannot imagine letting go of this hope that we could reconcile and be together.

Fucked up, I know.

So, I had tears rolling down my cheeks, wondering if this is the time I shut it down definitely, putting it into friend zone and past tense.  I thought of reminding him about our “anniversary” next week, when he approached me at the bar.  I thought about being light, I thought about being serious, I thought about not responding.  Ever.

Draft after draft, I wrote in 160 characters.

Three hours later, I made my choice: I went flirty.  For me, I am happier when I treat him like a fantasy.  We have often discussed that sex for us has often been a substitute for real intimacy.  If I am fucking you well, you assume we’re close, when I am only sharing my body.  BFD described the feeling of having sex with me as “waves of ecstasy washing over me,” but it’s corporeal for me.  I am good in bed because I commit to it fully, but that has nothing to do with what’s going on in my brain.

I have made this choice regarding LP several times: he does not exist for me in real life, he is only a fantasy.  As I fantasy, I can accept him being around . . . it’s light, it’s flirty, and we have great chemistry.  He turns me on, I turn him on, and it’s fun.

My message to him: “Aw, thanks! I love sharing pics with you, even if they’re just at the salon. (You should see the ones I take for you, but don’t send…)”  His response picked up the thread, first, a visceral approval, and second, “Well my [work] starts next week, and will go for over a month – so do send if ever inspired [….]” I mentioned that the series of photos I’d sent him 5 days ago, and about which he’d not responded, had been the start of a series of photos I took.

After many messages later, I told him, “You know, we should actually [have sex] at s0me point.”  He responded with a message that softened me towards him: “After my [work] i hope to have time for pleasure, and you…you will love [being with] me more than you know”.

“… you will …”

We’re careful, even in text, to be very clear, to choose future when we mean future and conditional when we mean conditional.

I am obviously crazy about him.  He’s been checking in regularly, traveling like crazy, and working his insane schedule.  I am not angry I’ve not seen him when he’s dashed into town.  Being together is intense and he’s not ready to be with me right now.  I know this.  I have known this.

He’s thinking about when he’s through with this project, that we will be together then.

I am not sitting idly by.  I’ve been dating.  I am completely celibate, though, and I have not kissed anyone I have been seeing.  In fact the only person I’ve kissed since I last saw LP is BFD.  The only people I have kissed in years have been LP and BFD.

I was prepared to move him into past tense, someone I was seeing, I used to date him until I got his message “. . . you will love [it] . . . ”

I am not making any decisions about anything or anyone right now, but I will see what happens when his project ends and he is back more often.  My feelings for him are strong enough that I will wait before settling in, down, or for anyone else.

I will.

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