Ugh.  So even under the best of circumstances, a break up is hard.  He listened very carefully and he knew what I was saying early on.  He was/is amazing.  We drank amazing wine, ate amazing food, and had as wonderful an evening as two people can have as they’re breaking up.

The last 30-45 minutes, I held his hand on the table.  He remarked, at one point somewhat ruefully, “huh, this is the first time you’ve held my hand . . .”

I told him what I have told him for weeks: I am a mess, my life is chaotic, I am inextricably linked to my ex BFD, I am not over my ex LP and I cried when I said his name (he hadn’t noticed, which made him feel horrible).  He knows all of this.  I told him I am a very good girlfriend and I am not ready to be a girlfriend now.  I am just not ready.  I said this over and over.

He knows.  He is willing to wait, or be my friend, or whatever.  He’s crazy about me — and as I teased him, who wouldn’t be??? — but he says he understands.  He thinks BFD is a bigger factor than LP, but he isn’t.  It’s really all about LP.

So, he said, date, or don’t, do what you need to get through the breakup stuff, and I’ll check in, but not as much, and we’ll see.

We hugged tightly for a while in the parking lot (I’d driven my, er BFD’s, car), then I kissed him on the side of his cheek/mouth.  We have definite chemistry.

He is warm and affectionate and sweet and kind and I began immediately regretting my decision, but we both knew I was right and it’s the best thing for us both.

I am off to figure out what I need and who I am and to recover a bit from the whirlwind and the heartbreak.

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After I got home, I shot him a text: “thanks for a wonderful/awful/wonderful night. you are the best, you know.”

He responded, about 20 minutes later: “I enjoyed seeing you. It wasn’t exactly the conversation I wanted, but I know you need some time. Regardless of the path, I want you to be happy. It’s self-serving…you look incredibly hot when you smile.”

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If I were a worse person, I would have made out with him, which I absolutely wanted to do.  I might have hooked up with him, which I also wanted to do.  But really, it’s wrong because I am not where he is, and I need to figure out where I am going, and I care too much about him to just toy with him.

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Last update:

I just received an incredibly sweet email from him:

 

. . . . starting Wednesday morning, I’ll give you some space.
You are an amazing, complex, smart, beautiful, ridiculous girl with a beautiful smile and an occasional mesmerizing twinkle in your […] eyes, but you really suck at ditching guys. (smile)      You are in my thoughts, maybe even more than before.   Yes, that’s pretty stupid on my part, but it makes me smile and I can live with that.
I know you have a lot going on between the work and personal parts of your life.   It’s nothing you can’t handle, but I just wanted to wish you well.
Sigh.

 

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