For weeks, I have written variations on a theme: I am heartbroken about LP, I am bereft at his loss, I am trying to fill the hole I feel in my heart by distracting myself with other people, but I cannot quite cope with him being out of my life. I have been filled with pain, and I have cried at the feel of his name on my tongue.
There are a few problems with this.
First, this shit is BORING. Over and over and over, I am heartbroken, bereft, etc. Dull, dull, dull.
Second, it’s really painful to write and keep the wound open.
Third, as with everything about my relationship with LP . . . it is and is not true. It is true that I am heartbroken, but it’s not true that he’s gone.
He is not out of my life permanently. He’s really only out of my life temporarily. He’s sort of exactly where he was months ago in November . . . on the cusp of being my boyfriend. He has disappeared 3 times before. All work related. All under extreme circumstances. When I lamented what was happening to one of my friends who does what LP does, he essentially told me to get the fuck over myself and let the man do his job.
That’s what everyone who knows him or who gets the situation says.
I, on the other hand, took LP’s initial absence as an opportunity to reconcile with BFD after “that day.” Then, I decided to start dating other people when BFD and I had things get a little rocky, even though LP and I were still communicating, sharing our fantasies, our desires to be together, and our hope that soon . . . soon . . . we would take our relationship from the theoretical to the actual. We have wanted to connect physically, to be in an exclusive relationship, etc., but for a couple of good reasons, we haven’t.
LP is physically gone, working on what would be considered career-making for anyone not him, as he’s already wildly successful and extraordinarily well-respected. He’s working constantly. We touched base a few time, but he left me know when he was leaving that he would be truly absent, and he has been.
Again and again, I have been lamenting his absence, crying about how much it hurts to lose someone who has meant so much to me. Someone, I should remember, is not really gone.
This morning, I had a shift in perspective (again) and everything fell back into place. He’s not really gone. I am the one in control here, and I am dating other people while he is away. He is either working 18 hours a day or sitting in a hotel room, thinking about me. He has flown back to town once or twice to see his child for a few hours, I am sure, although he’s not mentioned it. He is working around the clock, struggling to wrap this up while his progress is recorded daily in the papers.
So, to reiterate: I am stupid. I am living my life on my terms and not waiting, while he’s working and miserable without me. For fun, I am tormenting him.