About a month ago, BFD worked out behind me for an hour. After, he commented with admiration on my increased flexibility and with dismay on my weight. Then he took me to dinner and insisted I eat both orders of french fries he ordered in order to “fatten me up.”
I was very thin (110-113) and I looked gaunt and grey. Even I noticed I looked too thin. A couple of days later, I sent a series of photos to LP — one from August (weight 120), one from October (weight 117), and one from that day (weight 111), and I looked terrible.
Over the past few weeks, I intentionally gained weight, which was easy as I was dating actively. Now, my weight has hit my “oh shit” level . . . in the past two days I’ve broken 120. My weight is now a horror-inducing 122.6. It makes sense and it’s at least a pound of water, according to my tanita scale. Still, I am uncomfortable and unhappy about it. I have broken 120 a a few times over the past three weeks — always connected to plenty of bloat-inducing restaurant meals. (Sunday morning weight: 121.0, down 1.6 pounds of obvious water.)
I feel bloated and uncomfortable. My cheeks feel heavy. I am noticeably curvier. Sizewise, I am a 2/4 from a 2. Everything in my wardrobe fits. I just hate how I look — I have a roundness and softness. I hate how I feel– I feel heavy and leaden. I know I look better. The curves are in the right places — breasts, ass, hips are all fuller — but I don’t like it.
I want to say that I know I have body image issues and that to the entire world, I look healthier, sexier, and more vibrant. I know this. I said at the farmer’s market last weekend, at a bar hanging out with my pda friend, “I am on a diet.” The look of horror from people who do not know me was surprising.
I am really always surprised because I think I know how I look, but I don’t.
For people who don’t know me, I look like I am on the thin side of normal. I prefer to look skinny.
So, I have decided to lose 8 pounds, which should take about 3 weeks. I have experimented a couple of times with a slightly heavier body, but each time I go there, I am very unhappy with it.
I am doing this the right way: skipping wine, skipping dessert, cutting back on the carbs. I’ve had a long run of cookies, fries, and booze, so dropping the weight should be easier than had I gained doing all the right things.
I am experiencing a lot of pushback on my diet plan, the horror from strangers I described before, and some anger and vitriol from friends and romantic partners. N and I actually got into a heated argument about it on Friday night. He thinks I look good now, and argued that there is nothing wrong with me in terms of how I see myself — like he could know?!!! — and it was awful. The fact that I eat in front of you does not mean that I have a healthy approach to food or that I see myself accurately. Arguing the point with me angrily kinda you a douchebag, especially when I am trying to tell you how I feel and to bring you into the loop on something very personal and intimate to me. We also argued because he said I look perfect now, and I countered that I don’t like how full my face looks in photos. His response: who the fuck cares how you look in photos. Um, I do, you asshole. (Related: N, done.)
But, despite the pushback, it’s my body and I am happier a little thinner. It gives me the freedom to indulge when I want, but to not indulge every day.
So, after day 1, I am down 1.6 pounds with 6 pounds to go. It will get more challenging during the week with all the parties and lunches I have scheduled for the week, but I am on the right path. I’d like to get there by the time LP is back from his project,* which should be another 2-3 weeks.
* LP is in the midst of battle and he’s off the radar. I do not know if we will reconcile when he returns, as we had planned as he left a month ago. I’ve not heard from him in 2.5 weeks, which is not unusual for him when he is away and working as hard as he does.