Nothing quite like writing while mildly drunk/high. I had been at a late night concert and the experience (and the smoke from those around us) had me a little buzzed.

In the cool, sober light of morning, I am not so maudlin, but last night, late at home, I was quite content to beat myself up — again, again — for thinking about LP.

He is back today, at some point. I don’t know if he is back with me. I don’t know where we are so I am preparing myself for heartbreak, which is stupid. There is no heartbreak here.

Rather, there is no new heartbreak.

I hope for the best and plan for the worst, so I have already dealt with several potential realities that could have happened since he’s been gone, but none of them make sense in context. I can think, wow, he met someone else and he’s with her now, but while I am sure the opportunity was there, and his silence was deafening, I do actually know him and when he thought of home, he reached out to me. That means, of course, that I accept that he might have been dating while he was gone. I also accept that if he were dating that it may or may not affect things between us.

We hit pause months ago. We had been dating, we were falling for each other, we were not 100% available with lingering exes causing issues for us, and then he was gone. He’s really been gone since November, alighting from time to time, but then gone again. His presence in my life has been limited to texts, rare phone calls, and photos. We love the photos.

He said, in that oftquoted text: “After my [project ends], I hope to have time for pleasure, and for you…” Well, now it has, and I am frightened and excited and anxious and trying not to think about, while knowing I can think of nothing else. There was no certainty in his words. The second half of the message was certain and definite: “…you will love [being with] me more than you know”.

I don’t know what will happen. I do know him, though. I know that he is a man of patience. I know that weeks apart or months apart for that matter have never dulled his ardor before. He can wait. He is careful. He is tactical. He knows how to get what he wants.

He wants me. Or at least he did. When I reached out last week, he responded that he’d be home today. The next morning, he thanked me for sending him photos, which were quite racy, sent at his request, and designed to help him get through this tense time in his work life.

I have done some things of which I am not entirely proud. I am aware of the fact that while LP has been off battling, I’ve been going on dates with myriad men. I have, recently, made out with two of them. Oh, and I had a boyfriend again. So, you know, I am okay with whatever he’s been doing.

I have been biding my time, trying to fill the empty hours, trying to distract myself from the hole in my heart that he left when he left. But he was never really gone. We just pressed pause, and touched base, and tormented each other from time to time.

Now, he will be back and we will see what will happen. I am more hopeful than I was pre-sleep . . .