I spoke with BFD this evening about the ongoing situation in which he finds himself . . .

It is not going well. Apparently, there are some things that money cannot buy, which sort of sucks. I am checking to see if I have any pull, but I am not

As we chatted about it all, I reminded him that we’d figure it out, that I would always be there for him, as I told him on “that day.”

What he said next shocked me: he said that seeing me “was one of the top five best moments of my life.”  When I walked through the door and told him it was going to be okay.  I reminded him that I held his hand in the metal tray.  He said, with relief and happiness, “Oh, God, I remember that …”

We reminisced about “that day” and laughed and talked and made an actual date for tomorrow night.  It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other, but we talk every single day, so it does not seem that long.

He started to postpone so he could get a massage, as he is really stressed out (we talked about this at length this afternoon . . . he may need to move and he’s not ready to make those decisions) and not sleeping more than 3 hours a night, but he checked himself immediately and decided that his week could go awry and he’d rather move his massage than dinner with me.


He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and I told him I was open, so he suggested his new favorite restaurant . . . which is far north.


It’s like a real date.

We’re excited about it, the chance to see each other, to catch up.  I am talking to him a lot.  He’s not well.  He’s stressed and weirding out, so I reminded him I am here and I have his back, always, which seemed to relax him.

I am often reminded by how many things I fucked up in my relationship with BFD and how many things he fucked up in his relationship with me.  We were not in sync when it counted and we paid the price.  And, yet, we’re still here, together and apart and together and apart and slogging through together and apart.

At some point, I said something like “well, as long as you don’t yell at me” and he said “I would never yell at you like [BP] . . . unless you’re doing something incredibly stupid.”  “I told him, and that is among the reasons I love you.” And we both laughed.  He has never yelled at me.  He has gotten incredibly frustrated by me, he has driven me to the point of tears by asking questions I did not want to answer, but he has never yelled at me.  And that’s the real deal.  BFD loves me and supports me.  I love him and support him.

I don’t know if I can actually fix this situation for him, despite my best intentions.  He made some big mistakes and he is going to pay for them.  It will be more painful than absolutely necessary.  But, I have offered to go with him to the next couple of meetings and I calendared the next few appearances on my calendar, just in case he needs me.  He does need me, he’s just not always aware of it until he’s in the situation.  Then he leans into it and knows that my being there, my being with him, that’s the real deal.

I am so touched by the idea that seeing me on that horrible day was one of the top five best moments of his life.