I have done two scandalous things today . . .

1. I flirted outrageously with LP and almost saw him by design, but failed because we have awful timing!

2. I kissed BFD and told him I would have “taken one for the team” (i.e., gotten pregnant).

First, I do want to clarify that TNG and I are NOT exclusive and he is not certain that I am the girl for him.  Crazy, I know!  We sort of broke up and reconciled last night (on our 2 month anny), and at this point, I am more into him than he is into me.  He says.  He has well-entrenched defense mechanisms and walls and trip wires and gun turrets and who the hell knows.  So the fact that I did two scandalous things does not affect my relationship with TNG.  



LP has been keeping his hat in the ring, sort of.  We’ve been texting and emailing each other, weekly for a while, but he’s not made any move to actually see me.  He thanked me for my patience and persistence last month, but that never changed anything between us.  He lives 12 blocks from me in a neighborhood in which I frequently dine, and he works in an office building across the street from my bank in which several of my closest friends also work, which is also within three blocks of my gym and all of the bars and restaurants I frequent.  With all that physical closeness, we live on two different astral planes.  We exist in fantasy and share fantasies.  

That living in a fantasy makes it safe to chat with him, foolish to make plans with him, and lead to an uncomfortable thought yesterday.  Yesterday, he wanted to tell me about a quite outrageous fantasy he had about me.  It is hot, thrilling, incredibly inappropriate, and says A LOT about how trapped he feels right now.  He wants to be with me, but he cannot figure out how to make it happen. He told me, before he told me what he was thinking, that it was “Waaaaaaaaaaaay too dirty and truly inappropriate to tell” //”Even in our context”.  

My next question was “in our context?”  Seriously, wtf is “our context.”  His answer did not make me feel any better: “Sharing [fantasies].”  Nice.  Okay, so that’s our context.

I took it for the negative — this is all we are — rather than for what was his intention, this too is who we are.

He had earlier in that conversation yesterday texted something so correct that it threw me for a bit of a loop: “Your sweetness mixed with arrogant confidence is adorable”.  Heh.  The big secret he believes he knows about me is that I am very sweet.  He is right on both counts, that it is a secret and that it is true.  I am actually quite sweet, but it’s buried under about 120 pounds of attitude.

Today, I chose to push him a little, which I never do.  I pushed him to see me, which I’ve not done since he came back in late March.  Today I sent him a message at 3 that said “All day I have been tempted to send you a text too outré even by my standards. In short, thinking of you!”  Cute, gets the point across, but can be easily ignored if he’s sitting in a board meeting being the kick-ass lawyer he is.  He replied back immediately, “What was it?” It was a simple declarative statement that said, essentially, we should be together. He responded  “Not outrageous at all,” which was true.  To me the outré part was concretely saying, we should be together.  If our context is this astral plane disconnected to reality, which it has been for months, then saying I want us to be together is outside the bounds of propriety.  I stepped up the content of my next text, to which he responded, “Now you are getting there”.

A few minutes later he sent an unusual for him message: “Would you mind if i sent a pic from last nite when i was having very intense thoughts about this very issue?”  It made me laugh because it was so lawyerly he might have been dictating memoranda in between his texts.  After he sent the photograph, we continued to exchange texts, including as I was driving with my bestie W (he was driving me to the bank and then dropping me at the gym as I gave him business advice). He asked for my address again and teased he was just going to show up unbidden. At that point, I told him: “I am across the street from your office.”

Over the next few minutes, W dropped me off at the gym, argued a bit as he was insulted I was texting while he was talking (something he does all the time), and I walked back to his office. By then, just 5 minutes later, he had left to pick up his kid. Missing each other again.

As usual.