I have been having computer issues and serious lack of time, so posts are coming late (if at all). Here is what’s missing: still dating TNG but after we had a very public breakup in April. We downshifted, but we’re still dating. We are spending lots of time together, but we’re no longer having sex. This is a problem for me. He seems okay with it. This is a problem for me.

BFD is no longer the boyfriend, but we’re still very involved in each other’s lives. He’s occasionally made romantic overtures, but his head is elsewhere. I did not realize until last Thursday how depressed and disconnected he’s been from life. I am endeavoring to be a better friend to him. I love and trust him more than anyone else in my life, and he’s family to me, as I am to him. I forget often just how important I am to him until he reminds me that he would always be here for me and how much he thinks about/worries about me.

A and I are coparenting our ill cat. It’s strange to coparent, but he cat-sat for me a few weeks ago and noticed she’d been losing weight, so after batteries of tests and a diagnosis and new meds and new foods etc she’s improving. It’s weird having an ex-husband and a father to the cat, but we’ve fallen into a solid life together 10 years from when we met and nearly three years after we broke up. A and I see each other at least weekly now and talk daily. He’s a great dad and one of the saddest things in my life will always be that we never had a family together. (Or at least one with another being with fewer than four legs.)

LP is not a part of my reality. He’s like a fantasy that enables me to feel amazing all the time. I am my best me with him and always have been. He made me a better girlfriend to BFD, a better sweetheart to TNG, and a sexier more confident version of myself (as if such a thing were possible…). I lamented to my cousin T last night that I wish I could go back to mid-November and whisper to him “we have to commit now because our timing is going to be awful.” We had no idea how hard it would be to see each other, how emotionally awful things would be for him, for how long he’d be gone. He was amazing, and I was amazing, and then we were done.

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